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Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Ruins
OK bare with me yes i tend to get pissy when people think they know whats best for someone else without even considering the other parties involved : the things you don't know about me !
Yes i know this seems like a history lesson i feel that this is the place to just let everyone know whats what about me. A place to bare my soul so to speak, the truth shall set me free and for those with a weak heart or poor stomach then just go away...........
I was born in Iowa , I have two children both boys , Nickolas is turning nine in September and Mark just turned 5 in May, i was born in October I'm 26 when i was born my mother was not married and my father was a jerk , when i was Lil my mom was engaged to a man named Steve when i was about 4 he had a diabetic seizure in front of me under his car. He was in and out of comas for years after the first year of his in and out phase my mother decided she needed to move on that was the last time i saw his son who was going to be my step brother and the last time i saw him. Steve died on my 13Th birthday while i was at confirmation class
when i was 6 my mother met a man named Clifford Paul Hanson (yes i know and before you even ask yes I'm related to them) when i first met him i had the typical reaction most kids of single parents have i didn't like him for the longest time. Hes was a long distance truck driver for most of my like till i was 13 when my sister Melissa Rae was born before she was born we got along great things were perfect life was amazing.... in 94 i lost one of the most important people in my life the one that held me together, My grandmother Norma Pearl died of breast cancer.
When i said she held me together i was not liked by my some of my family at all i was always being fawned over by aunts and uncles and grandparents.. i was the special one the pretty one the little miss never get in trouble or do anything wrong well damn it I'm not perfect nor was i then. I was molested as a child yes i said it and that is not the only shocking tale in this blog read on....
For years i was silent i was quiet about it all and never even told my mother till after my second child when i was 21 ........
next horror story was i noticed that when i started to let anyone in i felt their life would be ruined just by knowing me, they either died or it a downward spiral. It was as if i was a plague to anyone who got close to me several guy friends after knowing me committed suicide... and the guys i dated for some reason till this day still cant let go... they want to protect me and to make sure I'm happy and it all becomes a bit to much to the point that some have in the past become stalkerish and then there are the ones that don't even know me that want me or want to know me desperately. Family always died or moved away creating a distance. They say that distance makes the heart grow founder well in my family that is sad but true we are kinda like gypsies in that aspect only problem is that we don't travel together we rearrange holidays to fit everyone schedule ... we have actually had Christmas in July lol .
i wanted to be many things growing up i couldn't choose and some people had their own ideas of what they wanted me to be . I wanted to be a singer when i was little because Steve was a drummer in a family run band . Then came my fascination with history i wanted to be a archaeologist and a oceanographer or a marine biologist. Then the acting and modeling bug bit me and i did that for a while but it never really felt like it was me.... for some reason even when i got a recording contract at the age of 13 i didn't feel at home in the spotlight.. i could handle it better then most but i still didn't feel as if i belonged there. It was as if something was telling me your meant to be here but not as you are. like destiny was trying to guide me where i needed to be I'm not sure as to where that is yet but ...... I'm sure in time i will understand. Then i got hit with the genetic problem that plagued all of us Birdsley's at one time, the POE legacy is a pain all the time. That's is you guessed it i started writing a story i started in high school before the whole twilight thing came out.... which is really messed up when you think about it . i lost my virginity at age 14 well when i like to think of it to Nickolas' s father Barry. he and i were off and on all through school. When i turned 17 i went out with him and ended back up at his house i told him i didn't want to have sex because one no condom and two things just didn't feel right. i tried to fight him off but i was no use he got what he wanted any way because i wasn't strong enough to fight back. went home and for a month i sat in my room and hardly spoke to anyone. It was my mother who noticed that things were off i ran away the next morning and went and got a test done turns out i was going to have my Nickolas. Barry refused to talk to me telling me it wasn't his (typical male) it wasn't until i was about 6 months in that he choose to talk to me and grow up.
we moved in together after nick was born . It went down hill from there he wouldn't let me leave the house without him , i couldn't get a job unless he approved of it first. and then when i finally tried to leave he abused me more then once you'd think i would have learned the first time it happened but no i had what was known as
i went back to him again and thankfully the last time i ever let him touch me. granted i have a nasty scar on my neck from where he tried to slit my throat.....
I left for Wyoming when nick was two ... i couldn't take anymore from anyone i moved in with family out there for a while when it was clear i could take care of myself and my son alone i finally moved back to Nebraska, stayed with my mom and Paul for a while helping them with my little sister. Then I met Russ and i we were just friends at first then after my scare with cervical cancer and i say scare because i survived it most don't. things got serious over a few months of us being friends then we started dating and then i got pregnant again with mark at this point in my life i didn't want to get married i wanted to be me and Russ promised me that would happen. i didn't get the wedding of my dreams instead i got what his parents wanted . I felt like i was going to a a funeral rather then my own wedding i even wore a black dress for the occasion.
i guess after the wedding and him getting what he really want me .. was out of the way the phasade was done for i got to see who he really was and i didn't like what i saw. He was a fucking Pott head a self absorbed single child syndrome asshole. Who turned and tried to strangle me, i don't know what it is about me that makes the men that are obsessed with me think that i need protecting from the world , keeping me in a fucking cage is not a bright idea it only back fires i learned that lesson after a year of being married to him when i got skin cancer . Ya you heard me i got it again this time in my hand . this was the time i woke up and said fuck making everyone around me happy and always doing what everyone wants me to do. I finally got rid of him earlier this year well not in that sense (some wish) but I am finally free some people just need to learn how to let go.
So NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE STORY OF ME do you think you will ruin my life or would i ruin yours ? here's a hint be who you are and i will be me that's all that fucking matters. I like you i care you know i do and just because you think that you are a plague that doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be happy in that aspect. If you want Me I'm here and you know it , just know i will never sugar coat things to make it easy. You finally get a chance to claim your prize after i fought tooth and nail and yes I'm still kinda fighting this is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. I told you i never give in without a fight and with all my bad luck and with people always getting hurt that get to close to me i give you fair warning (oh god i sound like you...... stop smiling at that.)
When you're attracted to someone, it just means that your subconscious is attracted to their subconscious, subconsciously. So what we think of as fate is just two neuroses knowing that they are a perfect match. Serendipity is always a way just when i found who i am meant to be in my life and I'm happy with who i am the one person i have avoided for so long seems to just keep pushing his way through. Need a clue ? well i was offered parts in several movies that i chose not to take oh say like one where you played one of my fave people in history.. for some reason when i try to ignore you i cant damn you *rolls eyes* i think there was a reason Well, if we're meant to meet again, we'll meet again. it's just not the right time now. those words kept playing in my head over and over again there was something about you that i was drawn to and I'm not sure what it was but my head wanted to run away from you with everything........... I wont say I Love you because I'm not stupid i don't know what that is right now all i know is what love isn't. All i can say to you now is you have earned a trust and a kindred spirit i believe in me that not many see. *be jealous * lol oh yeah i used your words. for some unknown reason i get you and you get me i think lol. I consider you the lost one who needs to know that he has family that loves him unconditionally and friends that are always there when he needs them. You are loved , you are cared about and not just by silly girls who try to throw them selves at you.
See i told you can ramble better then you but yours for some reason sounds better
I don't need protecting even though i have the feeling you have sent everyone you know into a frenzy to keep everyone from knowing about me *narrows eyes* the deleting of replies and the refusal to reply kinda gives me away here's a hint you want to hide something do it in plain sight. Sorry i dated someone who worked for the government i know how to be hidden unlike you that's why i rule and you are sooo not cool lol
1. To destroy completely; demolish.
2. To harm irreparably.
3. To reduce to poverty or bankruptcy.
4. To deprive of chastity.
Yes i know this seems like a history lesson i feel that this is the place to just let everyone know whats what about me. A place to bare my soul so to speak, the truth shall set me free and for those with a weak heart or poor stomach then just go away...........
I was born in Iowa , I have two children both boys , Nickolas is turning nine in September and Mark just turned 5 in May, i was born in October I'm 26 when i was born my mother was not married and my father was a jerk , when i was Lil my mom was engaged to a man named Steve when i was about 4 he had a diabetic seizure in front of me under his car. He was in and out of comas for years after the first year of his in and out phase my mother decided she needed to move on that was the last time i saw his son who was going to be my step brother and the last time i saw him. Steve died on my 13Th birthday while i was at confirmation class
when i was 6 my mother met a man named Clifford Paul Hanson (yes i know and before you even ask yes I'm related to them) when i first met him i had the typical reaction most kids of single parents have i didn't like him for the longest time. Hes was a long distance truck driver for most of my like till i was 13 when my sister Melissa Rae was born before she was born we got along great things were perfect life was amazing.... in 94 i lost one of the most important people in my life the one that held me together, My grandmother Norma Pearl died of breast cancer.
When i said she held me together i was not liked by my some of my family at all i was always being fawned over by aunts and uncles and grandparents.. i was the special one the pretty one the little miss never get in trouble or do anything wrong well damn it I'm not perfect nor was i then. I was molested as a child yes i said it and that is not the only shocking tale in this blog read on....
For years i was silent i was quiet about it all and never even told my mother till after my second child when i was 21 ........
next horror story was i noticed that when i started to let anyone in i felt their life would be ruined just by knowing me, they either died or it a downward spiral. It was as if i was a plague to anyone who got close to me several guy friends after knowing me committed suicide... and the guys i dated for some reason till this day still cant let go... they want to protect me and to make sure I'm happy and it all becomes a bit to much to the point that some have in the past become stalkerish and then there are the ones that don't even know me that want me or want to know me desperately. Family always died or moved away creating a distance. They say that distance makes the heart grow founder well in my family that is sad but true we are kinda like gypsies in that aspect only problem is that we don't travel together we rearrange holidays to fit everyone schedule ... we have actually had Christmas in July lol .
i wanted to be many things growing up i couldn't choose and some people had their own ideas of what they wanted me to be . I wanted to be a singer when i was little because Steve was a drummer in a family run band . Then came my fascination with history i wanted to be a archaeologist and a oceanographer or a marine biologist. Then the acting and modeling bug bit me and i did that for a while but it never really felt like it was me.... for some reason even when i got a recording contract at the age of 13 i didn't feel at home in the spotlight.. i could handle it better then most but i still didn't feel as if i belonged there. It was as if something was telling me your meant to be here but not as you are. like destiny was trying to guide me where i needed to be I'm not sure as to where that is yet but ...... I'm sure in time i will understand. Then i got hit with the genetic problem that plagued all of us Birdsley's at one time, the POE legacy is a pain all the time. That's is you guessed it i started writing a story i started in high school before the whole twilight thing came out.... which is really messed up when you think about it . i lost my virginity at age 14 well when i like to think of it to Nickolas' s father Barry. he and i were off and on all through school. When i turned 17 i went out with him and ended back up at his house i told him i didn't want to have sex because one no condom and two things just didn't feel right. i tried to fight him off but i was no use he got what he wanted any way because i wasn't strong enough to fight back. went home and for a month i sat in my room and hardly spoke to anyone. It was my mother who noticed that things were off i ran away the next morning and went and got a test done turns out i was going to have my Nickolas. Barry refused to talk to me telling me it wasn't his (typical male) it wasn't until i was about 6 months in that he choose to talk to me and grow up.
we moved in together after nick was born . It went down hill from there he wouldn't let me leave the house without him , i couldn't get a job unless he approved of it first. and then when i finally tried to leave he abused me more then once you'd think i would have learned the first time it happened but no i had what was known as
Stockholm syndrome:
is a psychological response sometimes seen in abducted hostages, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger or risk in which they have been placed.i went back to him again and thankfully the last time i ever let him touch me. granted i have a nasty scar on my neck from where he tried to slit my throat.....
I left for Wyoming when nick was two ... i couldn't take anymore from anyone i moved in with family out there for a while when it was clear i could take care of myself and my son alone i finally moved back to Nebraska, stayed with my mom and Paul for a while helping them with my little sister. Then I met Russ and i we were just friends at first then after my scare with cervical cancer and i say scare because i survived it most don't. things got serious over a few months of us being friends then we started dating and then i got pregnant again with mark at this point in my life i didn't want to get married i wanted to be me and Russ promised me that would happen. i didn't get the wedding of my dreams instead i got what his parents wanted . I felt like i was going to a a funeral rather then my own wedding i even wore a black dress for the occasion.
i guess after the wedding and him getting what he really want me .. was out of the way the phasade was done for i got to see who he really was and i didn't like what i saw. He was a fucking Pott head a self absorbed single child syndrome asshole. Who turned and tried to strangle me, i don't know what it is about me that makes the men that are obsessed with me think that i need protecting from the world , keeping me in a fucking cage is not a bright idea it only back fires i learned that lesson after a year of being married to him when i got skin cancer . Ya you heard me i got it again this time in my hand . this was the time i woke up and said fuck making everyone around me happy and always doing what everyone wants me to do. I finally got rid of him earlier this year well not in that sense (some wish) but I am finally free some people just need to learn how to let go.
So NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE STORY OF ME do you think you will ruin my life or would i ruin yours ? here's a hint be who you are and i will be me that's all that fucking matters. I like you i care you know i do and just because you think that you are a plague that doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be happy in that aspect. If you want Me I'm here and you know it , just know i will never sugar coat things to make it easy. You finally get a chance to claim your prize after i fought tooth and nail and yes I'm still kinda fighting this is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. I told you i never give in without a fight and with all my bad luck and with people always getting hurt that get to close to me i give you fair warning (oh god i sound like you...... stop smiling at that.)
When you're attracted to someone, it just means that your subconscious is attracted to their subconscious, subconsciously. So what we think of as fate is just two neuroses knowing that they are a perfect match. Serendipity is always a way just when i found who i am meant to be in my life and I'm happy with who i am the one person i have avoided for so long seems to just keep pushing his way through. Need a clue ? well i was offered parts in several movies that i chose not to take oh say like one where you played one of my fave people in history.. for some reason when i try to ignore you i cant damn you *rolls eyes* i think there was a reason Well, if we're meant to meet again, we'll meet again. it's just not the right time now. those words kept playing in my head over and over again there was something about you that i was drawn to and I'm not sure what it was but my head wanted to run away from you with everything........... I wont say I Love you because I'm not stupid i don't know what that is right now all i know is what love isn't. All i can say to you now is you have earned a trust and a kindred spirit i believe in me that not many see. *be jealous * lol oh yeah i used your words. for some unknown reason i get you and you get me i think lol. I consider you the lost one who needs to know that he has family that loves him unconditionally and friends that are always there when he needs them. You are loved , you are cared about and not just by silly girls who try to throw them selves at you.
See i told you can ramble better then you but yours for some reason sounds better
I don't need protecting even though i have the feeling you have sent everyone you know into a frenzy to keep everyone from knowing about me *narrows eyes* the deleting of replies and the refusal to reply kinda gives me away here's a hint you want to hide something do it in plain sight. Sorry i dated someone who worked for the government i know how to be hidden unlike you that's why i rule and you are sooo not cool lol
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Another Rant from me sorry
Watching out my window last night as the storm clouds rolled by.Droplets of rain creating rivers on the windows making me stare in silence and wonder. This time the world and I have nothing to say to each other. One turns to face the emptiness and the other welcomes many around her. Coldness surrounding a darkened room , searching for a light that will never to be searched for and never to be given the chance to be found. I swallow hard to fight off any emotion. Now there is no way i could fathom feeling anything for anyone not even myself at this moment. Is it wrong to show emotions to the people around you yet not let them in?
I say No , I do not show how people have hurt me or how they have have caused a ripple in my lake. For if we show who we truly are to everyone then we can not be truly special to anyone. We can not always be who the world wants us to be. Then again if we were who we truly want to be would the world except us for who we are and who we want to be rather then what we are told to be. I was told for the longest time that i was little miss perfect the beautiful , smart one the one everyone said why cant you be more like her. The truth was that those words held more guilt and shame then the foulest derogatory comment in the world. It would have stung a lot less if Someone would have just told me i was ugly. Feeling the need to live up to something to be the good one or the quiet one while all the while you are screaming inside wanting someone to say i know you are not perfect and i care. Here's a hint for guys when a girl has been told shes beautiful all her life that is the last thing in the world she wants to hear same thing for guys. In this world where everything is based on looks its hard to tell who a person really is if you don't give them a little lee way to show you who they are. Granted if there is any physical attraction it will be there regardless until you find out that person is a Dick or a Bitch then what you may still find that person attractive but the allure of the persona is gone.
I took the picture down of my face as my profile because people were adding my based on my looks and not even bothering to read anything i had to say. it was always "your hott!" or "will you go out with me ?" or "will you marry me?" or disgusting comments i refuse to post on my page that no one should ever hear. The point is I am who I am but i would rather you understand and get to know me before you base a judgement on my apperence .
I say No , I do not show how people have hurt me or how they have have caused a ripple in my lake. For if we show who we truly are to everyone then we can not be truly special to anyone. We can not always be who the world wants us to be. Then again if we were who we truly want to be would the world except us for who we are and who we want to be rather then what we are told to be. I was told for the longest time that i was little miss perfect the beautiful , smart one the one everyone said why cant you be more like her. The truth was that those words held more guilt and shame then the foulest derogatory comment in the world. It would have stung a lot less if Someone would have just told me i was ugly. Feeling the need to live up to something to be the good one or the quiet one while all the while you are screaming inside wanting someone to say i know you are not perfect and i care. Here's a hint for guys when a girl has been told shes beautiful all her life that is the last thing in the world she wants to hear same thing for guys. In this world where everything is based on looks its hard to tell who a person really is if you don't give them a little lee way to show you who they are. Granted if there is any physical attraction it will be there regardless until you find out that person is a Dick or a Bitch then what you may still find that person attractive but the allure of the persona is gone.
I took the picture down of my face as my profile because people were adding my based on my looks and not even bothering to read anything i had to say. it was always "your hott!" or "will you go out with me ?" or "will you marry me?" or disgusting comments i refuse to post on my page that no one should ever hear. The point is I am who I am but i would rather you understand and get to know me before you base a judgement on my apperence .
Sunday, April 26, 2009
The Ice Queen (second book in work)
The Ice Queen
I could smell and hear the blood drip from the rusty axe like a leaky faucet. Turning to the stairs again, I had forgotten the last child was hiding upstairs. “I missed a kid.” I said to myself as I climbed the winding staircase. I had never killed anyone before and here I was. To murder eight sleeping people, two adults and six children was foul, even for me. I could feel the icy chill of a cold breath on the back of my neck. Something was urging me to commit a crime that would seal my entrance into hell. I walked into the children’s room and turned to open the closet door. One more, and that is it, I could walk away from this house and never return. I gripped the doorknob and raised the axe in my right hand, ready to strike it into a child’s skull. I flung open the door and froze like a block of ice. There was a little girl gazing up at me in fear, she had ringlets in her hair and large brown eyes. As she screamed in horror, I felt the axe jerk forward as if it had a mind of its own. It was as if it wanted to taste the blood on its blade.
“Hey Susan are you up there? Come downstairs, you have to see the Stillinger girl’s room.”
Lilith called from downstairs, snapping me out of a daze. I could not understand what had just happened. It was as if I was someone else, someone I had never met before. I turned to walk down the wooden steps. I stopped at the landing and heard a very angry voice shouting behind me. I did not want to turn around I knew no one was upstairs with me. Lilith and Brad-the owner-were downstairs touring the house. My head was throbbing and my stomach felt like it was doing cartwheels. I felt someone almost hovering over me; I could hear the heavy breathing and smell rotted eggs. It began to grow colder in the room, so cold I could see my own breath. I turned to see why I was beginning to feel as if someone was watching me. Something rushed at me from across the room. It was a tall thin dark figure with blood soaked clothing.
“Get out of here and never return! So you can hear me you incarnated angel? I said never return or you will stay here with me for all eternity!” the figure shouted while running at me. I lost my balance and began to fall backwards down the stairs. I grabbed what little rail there was and hung on, as the figure seemed to pass straight through me. When I finally reached my bearings, I practically flew down the remaining steps. My heart was racing and my head was starting to spin again as I grabbed Lilith’s arm and pulled her toward to back door.
“I think now would be the best time to leave.” I said still pulling her by the arm. I could feel eyes watching us as we left the house. Brad locked the door behind him as he twisted the knob to make sure it was locked up tight, it started to drizzle lightly. It was foggy and cold outside, as if the town was asleep almost. As we walked away, I looked up at the children’s bedroom window and saw a little girl almost pleading for me not to leave. Then the very figure that had chased me away walked up behind her. I was walking backwards not wanting to take my eyes off them, when I tripped over my own feet and fell onto the gravel road.
Lilith started laughing hysterically at me pointing her finger at me.
“Sue you look like a drowned rat. What is wrong with you anyway you look like someone tried to kill you.”
I rolled my eyes at her and stood trying to wipe off the mud from my backside.
“Nothing let’s get back to my aunts before it starts to downpour.” I said stalking off away from the house with my back turned toward it.
Lilith was the last person in the world I wanted to know that I could see and communicate with the dead. I knew I was a freak since I was a kid I always played by myself. When I tried to make friends, I would say things about them that I could not know. They would back away and ask me if I was stalking them or was some kind of freak. The truth was I felt like one always knowing things before they happen or seeing someone as I was at their funeral walking around talking to others. Who ever it was would see me watching them and start talking to me. Giving me messages to give to their loved ones or asking me questions I did not have the answers to.
I have a habit of scaring people away even when I pretended to be normal. It was as if they could tell I was pretending. Lilith on the other hand never said anything she was what you would call a kindred spirit. She was Pagan and believed in the supernatural although she could not sense anything; she believed that there was always something more.
“Hey Sue you want to talk a walk up to the cemetery and see where they buried them?”
I looked at her and glowered.
“Why are you so interested in the history of that old house? And no I don’t want to go up there it gives me the creeps.”
I didn’t really want to go on any more expeditions but I knew if I did not give her what she wanted I would end up here sooner or later. As we walk to the cemetery I felt as if I was hauling a suitcase on my back. When we approached the gates I could see several spirits watching us. There was a woman pacing back and forth over her gave with a look of total distraught. There were others and I felt the urge to help them but I just walked passed pretending I couldn’t see them. They didn’t come any where near me which was odd. Most of the time I couldn’t make them go away. I knew the victims of the axe murder wouldn’t be at their graves I had seen them all already at the house. I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was going I was more concerned with the strange weight on my shoulders. I was so lost in my own head I tripped over a small grave stone that was covered by lots of grass and a small puppy statue. I felt horrid when it broke off of the headstone I tried to place it back on but there was no use. I sat it next to the headstone and started to walk back out of the cemetery hoping Lilith would follow. I was right she was right on my heels once again.
“Didn’t you feel how strange that house felt? The fact that we were in a house where a massacre took place is just amazing and to have it in our own town is even more spectacular.” she said in a strange elated laugh.
I could not understand for the life of me why she found the death of those parents and children so exciting. Villisca is the type of town where you did not need a car you could walk every within fifteen minutes. Therefore, I could see why they hung onto the most interesting thing that ever happened in their town. I lived here with my aunt Billie every summer while my mom and dad went out of town. It was quiet here I got a lot of reading done but the library here was not fully stocked. Most of the library was like a shrine to the victims of the Villisca axe murder. It is known as the only event that actually foreshadowed the Titanic tragedy. There were so many theories about who did it and why they did, but no one has ever been charged with their murders. Now it was a tourist attraction. For any one who wanted to experience the paranormal. Anyone who entered that house could feel the anger and fear in the house. Along with the over whelming sadness at like two a.m. when the train whistle would blow, you could see a mist roll into the house. It would become so still you could hear a pin drop on one of the mattresses.
As we walked into the front door of my aunts I could hear her snoring loudly, it always sounded like a freight train. She always took a nap in the afternoon. Especially when it was going to storm, she did not sleep well when there was going to be thunder and lighting. I would hear her late at night pacing back and forth on the wooden floor. Then she would run down the stairs to check on my great uncle Barney who lived with her. Bille and Barney I was the closest to in the family, Uncle Barney made me love science even more after he taught me to polish rocks.
“You can see the real beauty in them. You can tell where they have been and how they got there sometimes. If one was dropped it shows if someone used it to break something or if was pressed into the earth by anything you can tell. Rocks can never lie.”
Every one else thought it was just silly stuff he was teaching me but it always had something to do with life you could tell. He might have been an old kook to them but to my aunt Billie and me he was a wise old owl. I did not hear him but then again he was usually reading one of his many books that my dad would bring out for him from Omaha. I threw my bag on the table and started in to the living room. Lilith was right on my heels as always. I lost count of how many times she would step on my heels, but luckily, I learned my lesson the first twenty times. In addition, I started wearing tennis shoes instead of my sneakers.
They had a high back on them that would stop me from getting sores and blisters. I flipped on the television and turned it to the news channel. The newscasters were talking about some kid who went missing over the weekend. Most the time when you heard about missing kids they were either abducted or runaways. I was more interested in what was going to happen with the weather. I was raining harder and really did not want to be kept up all night by my aunt pacing back and forth.
Her snoring I could deal with I just hid my head under the pillow, or put my headphones on. Glen miller and a few of my other classical favorites always drowned her out.
Lilith sitting on the couch and I was on the piano bench. I started to play softly to myself, I was bad I never had lessons or was self-taught. I just listened to the music and just let go of everything and if it sounded good, I kept going with it. You see I am one of those people who can pick up an instrument or paint brush and create something everyone loves without even reading sheet music or taking any formal classes. It is easy for me to pick up on anything I just learn quickly. I heard a crackle of thunder outside of the house and felt the house shake. The lights went out and the television went black. I heard Lilith curse from behind me and her trip over the coffee table.
“Damn it why does everything always happen when you just start getting into stuff.”
She shouted at me while I was still playing.
“ I don’t know why cant you just enjoy something trust me. Tomorrow it will be fine with all the electricity flowing through the air most people feel energetic after a good storm.”
I said closing the lid on the piano.
Grabbing the candles that were on the top of the piano I lit each one with a match. When I handed one to Lilith I heard a loud thud come from uncle Barney’s room. I rushed through the kitchen and flung open the door to his room. There at the bottom of the stair well looking up at me.
“whoops sorry for scaring you kids I just cant see when I have no light in the room. What happened was it the storm?” Barney said as I helped him up off the floor. As I turned around my aunt was standing behind us with a look of ice. There was no emotion to her face as she glared at us.
“ my bad did I give you a fright?:” she said giving us a wicked smile. It didn’t seem like her it was so cold and unemotional.
I didn’t like this look on her she was a warm and caring person full of love and a huge heart.
“ Not really I was just going to find us some flash lights why don’t you help me I think they are in the basement.”
The truth was that she had scared me and I didn’t like the way she was acting. The other thing was when I said basement Lilith and Barney looked at me like I had lost my mind. My aunt doesn’t have a basement so I knew something else was going on. I walked to the garage door with her following then I stopped before I opened the door and turned.
“Who are you ?” I asked getting right in her face she just looked at me and smiled.
“what are you talking about silly? “ she said smiling at me sweetly.
I knew there was someone in her body this wasn’t her. She was a worried person. Billie always cared about everyone else, right now she would be worried about getting us to a shelter incase of a tornado.
“who are you and why are you in her body?”
I shouted softly so that Lilith and Barney wouldn’t hear me, they had gone to the living room.
“you are a smart one aren’t you? So what do you want me to do leave this body ? Sorry little one but I needed out of that house and you provided the transport. but don’t worry it wont be for long I cant stay here forever after all this is a woman’s body and I am a man. So you understand that I wont leave until I am ready to say in about an hour or two when your uncle dies I will take his when he leaves it.”
I stared awe struck I knew something had followed me out but I had no clue what.
“what do you mean when he dies he is as healthy as a horse?”
I said in a cold unemotional tone. I figured out when I was younger that if you showed no emotion to spirits then couldn’t do anything. I would become what is known as a ice queen. No fear no empathy and no joy, sometimes I did this just out of habit. It was kind of hard to shut it off when trying to block out spirits from getting into my head.
“you let me worry about that. I have a feeling he might just die of fright tonight.”
The spirit said with a wicked scowl on its face.
“Your not taking him anywhere.” I said more restrained then ever. I wanted to reach into her body and rip out this infestation that had claimed it.
“You don’t know how to stop me. You may have the power but you haven’t found it yet.”
I couldn’t believe this thing was going to try and take over my uncles body after he killed him. It said I had the power to stop it but not the knowledge on how to do it. As I was pondering what was going on and how to fix this. I heard another loud crackle of thunder outside and felt the house shutter again. When I looked back at my aunt she looked at me awe struck then collapsed onto the linoleum floor. I rushed into grab Lilith I needed help moving her and I also wanted to check on Barney.
Before I could reach the living room I felt the room grow ice cold. I could sense there was something in the room with me. Then there was a strange pins and needles feeling on my leg like it had fallen asleep. I looked down to see a young boy about the age of six smiling up at me.
“Hi my name is Thomas I followed you from the cemetery. I hope you don’t mind I sent the bad man away he was starting to scare me.” he said still gripping my leg.
I wanted to know why he had followed me but I knew I probobly wouldn’t like the answer. So like an idiot I asked anyway.
“what do you want from me?” I knew it was a bad question to ask any spirit but I had to know.
“ I was lonely my family is all gone and I know you can see and hear me so I followed you. Plus you looked like you could use some help that bad man hurt that family and he was going to hurt yours and you. I like you, you play piano like my mom and think you can use a friend who can understand.” he looked at me sweetly like he was pleading for me to say that it was ok if he stayed with me. I just nodded he wasn’t like the other spirits I had met. Most of them either stayed away or got right in my face without saying a word. Some wanted my help others just where curious about me. This kid was kind of understanding then I remembered the gave stone I had tripped over in the cemetery.
It read Our beloved Thomas may he rest in peace 1942-1947. He seemed much older when he spoke to me but a lot of spirits that have been around along time had that same problem. Their bodies never aged on the spirit plane but their minds kept growing.
They observed the world around them for so long they just adapted and soaked up everything their minds could.
“Hey what is going on in there are you guys ok?” Lilith asked from the living room trying to sound like she wasn’t scared. I kind of laughed at myself as I walked into the living room. The light started to flicker and I looked down at Thomas still at my side, wandering if the evil spirit was trying to make his way back. He just looked at me and smiled
“No its not him the lights are coming back on silly.” he said giggling at me. I heard someone groan from behind us it was Billie who was trying to get up off the floor.
“How in the heck did I get down the stairs and why am I in the kitchen on the floor?”
She said staring at me like I did something wrong. I started laughing as soon as Thomas did it was the cutest laugh I had ever heard. Lilith and Barney came rushing in knocking me to the ground.
“Hey your feeling better I see maybe I should make us all some liver and onions?” Barney said grinning from ear to ear at Billie.
“Um I think I am going to make myself a sandwich no pun intended.” Lilith said giving me a disgusted look then grabbing her throat with one hand and making a choking gesture. I heard Thomas chuckling behind me as I watched in horror as Barney actually started to cook liver and onions. I didn’t mind it but it was an acquired taste for others.
Later that night as I was in bed trying to drown out the sound of Billie’s snoring. I could see Thomas sitting in the old rocking chair in my room. He was just watching me and it was starting to creep me out. The rain had stopped however the wind was still howling outside the window. I was going to turn up the volume on my mp3 player when Thomas grabbed my hand.
“You didn’t ask me why I haven’t gone to see my family.” he said his hand was cold most ghost couldn’t actually touch you unless they had a connection with you. I knew there was some sort of a connection but I still haven’t figured it out. I looked at him rolling my eyes.
“You know Thomas the living still need to sleep, and if you want me to know then just tell me so I can go back to sleep.” I pulled the covers over my head and watched in shock as he yanked them off the bed in one fell swoop.
“ I didn’t go where I was meant to. I stayed to be around my family then everything fell apart. When they all finally died I wasn’t allowed to go with them. I miss them and want to be with them again but I guess since I couldn’t let go of them they let go of me. Leaving me here was the worst I watched other crossover. I tried to help others like you but they just ignored me or tried to help me move on.” he said pacing back and forth across the wooden floor.
“There is something that I have to do in order to move on and you have to help me you are the only one who hasn’t ignored me or tried to make me go away.” Thomas climbed on the bed next to me on his knees pleading. I didn’t like helping ghost or getting rid of spirits it made me feel even more like a freak.
“ Ok if I promise to try and help you figure it out will you shut up so I can go to sleep.” I said slamming the pillow over my head.
I could hear him laughing and playing well into the night after he threw my blanket back on me. He was starting to get on my nerves when a new song came on the player. It was a piano solo soft and melodic, I didn’t remember who it was by, but it made me want to cry not a sad cry but a beautiful cry. I could hear longing in the notes as the person played. It was careful and gentle, shy yet searching for something.
The notes were soft yet pronounced as if the person who wrote it was looking for love desperately. I felt my eyelids getting heavy listening to the song made me feel safe. I never felt safe ever I always felt as if someone was always watching me. Not in a guarded way more like I had ten sets of eyes on me at all times, but this song made me feel different. I felt protected like the song was written about me. There was someone searching for me I could feel it and that thought made me feel safe and needed for something much bigger then me.
I was talking to someone but I couldn’t see their face. It was dark but the moon was high in the sky. I could hear owls howling and bats flying above a lit fire pit. I could hear the tears and absolution in the mans voice as he spoke. “ You like him a lot don’t you? I don’t see why you haven’t told him how you feel about him. You are strong enough to go right up to him and say hey I like you. But you won’t he is shy and you are not. Sue you need to tell him, he needs someone strong like you to take care of him.”
I couldn’t see where the voice was coming from but it seemed like it was right in front of me.
I could feel everything spinning I couldn’t see anything. I tried to focus on something but all I could really see was the fire blazing and the moon even those things were becoming hazy. I could barely make out a set of chairs off to my right as I turned to walk toward them my legs felt like they were filled with lead. My body hit the ground so hard I could feel bits of gravel digging into my skin through my shirt.
Next thing I know I am in a room with my hair soaked and in a bath robe. With some guy staring at me in shock and awe. In the room there were two tables set up neatly with dinner plates with food on them all but two were half gone. Off to my left I caught a older woman picking up the plates smiling at me and the guy in the white shirt.
“Who are you and what are you doing in my dream?” The guy said standing behind his chair giving me a look of distain. His dream he was in mine, but then again I couldn’t for the life of me figure out where in the world I would have come up with this setting.
“What do you mean your dream this is mine see my dairy is on that table over their.” I said pointing to my diary on the empty table behind me. The next thing I saw was it leap right into his hand and I was tied to a chair directly in front of him.
As I tried to wiggle loose he started reading it out loud. “ Dear diary today I saw the man in my dreams again he didn’t seem to notice me but no one ever does anyway. To him I am just another face in a crowded room. He looked at me and smiled but was blocked out by an obnoxious blonde with black streaks in her hair. It was strange the way I felt about this man I had never met before or even seen he didn’t seem real. His green eyes glistened in the sun light. He had on a white shirt that showed a bit of his chest hair and Khaki pants on. They were a little tight on him but I tried not to focus on that his lonely eyes had me captivated.
His ruffled blonde hair was smooth yet disheveled and I watched idly by as he ran his long thin fingers through it. I couldn’t hear him speak as he sat at the piano but I watch with more desire then I had ever had for anyone, as his lips moved and he licked his lips slightly. I wanted to know if those lips were real but as the only song that made me feel safe at night began to end I started to wake. My dream was gone I would never know if this was a real person or just something my mind cooked up.”
When he finally finished reading my most intimate thoughts I was standing again but this time next to his six foot frame. He was the man I wrote about that day I could feel it in my bones. But was this a dream was I in his or he in mine? I wanted to runaway the moment my dairy flung its self into his hand and he began reading it. But I couldn’t move I was locked by his blue eyes but they didn’t seem blue up close they looked more green then blue. He sat down in a chair in front of me and looked up with sadness.
“Its about me isn’t it?” he said. Before I could speak to tell him it was and I had a strange feeling he was as real as I was. I woke up to a ghost child jumping up and down on my bed.
“ Hey Sue its time to wake up sleepy head its almost noon and I want to talk some more.” Thomas said trying to pull the blanket off me again.
So I threw my other pillow at him and yelled.” Leave me alone butthead I was having a really good dream till you messed it up! Now get off my bed before I start to ignore you.”
I didn’t want to be mean but I actually felt like I was getting somewhere with that dream till the phantom menace had to ruin it.
He started giggling again and said
“Nope sorry you cant ignore me because I can touch you remember. Besides I want to know this Pat guy is you were talking to in your sleep?” he started reaching through the blanket this time sticking his ice cold hands on my face.
“ Holy crap your freezing get off!” I shouted jumping off the bed to get away from him.
As I turned to glower at him he was on the wooden floor rolling with laughter.
“You may think this is funny you little phantom Dennis the menace but just remember I can touch you too. So you better start acting your IQ. I know you were just a kid when you died but you’ve been dead long enough to know how to behave.” I said shaking my head at him while picking up my pillow I had flung at him.
“ Ok party pooper you know you sound like my mom. Don’t do this don’t do that , eat your dinner stop nagging your sister. Stop taking your brothers toys, behave in church.
Don’t slouch… Nag.. Nag.. Nag….” he said in a snotty tone shaking his head back and forth and wagging his finger at me.
I just rolled my eyes at him as I walked to my closet. I felt a sudden sharp pain on the bottom of my foot. I looked down and then I turned and glared at the little ghost kid whistleing and staring up at the celing. “ You are so picking up these toys I am not going to be stepping on army men every freaking morning till you go away.” I said picking up a army man that had clung to my foot and flicked it at him. Then like a super hero he was in front of me blocking my way to the closet.
“What makes you think I will ever go away maybe I will stay forever. You can be my new mom ha ha.” he said to me but I had a feeling he ment it.
I was not ready to be anyones mother let alone take care of a ghost child. I was a loner in life and planned to stay that way in the world of the living I was miss invisible. Then again in the land of the dead or never born I was a bright shiny toy everyone wanted.
“Thomas go downstairs so I can get dressed ok I will meet you there.” I said shoving him out of the way and opening my closet door.
I pulled out a pair of overhauls and a long sleve shirt. I wore those most of the time to hide the scars on my wrist. I was suicidle at one time in my life when I felt alone and like a freak. I was always worried that I was the only one in the world who could understand me. I was the deffinition of a reserved and strange child. Even after my inccident I didn’t want to be the invisible one in this world or the bright light in another. It wasn’t until I started dreaming of the man who made the music, that I had fallen asleep to the night before that my outlook changed. I didn’t know what he looked like so I guess my mind was just jumbling up pictures in order to give me what I wanted, someone who would understand me. But for all I knew it could have been a some old fart or a kid or who knows maybe even a woman who wrote that beautiful music.
Chapter Two
Rushing to the bathroom to comb my hair and brush my teeth I felt a small pinch on the left side of my cheek. Like someone had just thrown a sharp pebble at my face.
“ Ha got you this time. You said you would be right down when you got dressed. You lied to me now you have to face the consequences.” Thomas said doubling up his little fist like he was going to start punching me.
“knock it off, I will be done in a minute leave me alone.” I said sticking out my tongue at him.
I slammed the door and reached for the brush. I don’t have a lot of hair to brush, but if I did not brush it I would be a tangled mess. I felt a cool breeze through the window above the tub brush against the back of my neck. Making the hair on my arms stand straight up ,sending a shiver down my spine. I knew I was going to take as long as I could in the bathroom, just to avoid Thomas and try and clear my head.
School was coming quickly this year and I wasn’t ready to head back to Wyoming. The kids were not mean to me I wasn’t bullied like others I knew. Kevin was one of the kids a few years younger then me that was always bullied. He was shorter then anyone and was a bit of a pocket protector nerd. Kevin was a sweet and endearing, always knew how to make you smile. But I knew every day plagued him to no end. He would walk me home about an hour after school got out, after I retrieved him from his locker or from behind the bathroom door.
Kevin would have been cute even with his braces and coke bottle glasses. But there were not any boys that really caught my attention or even liked me for that matter. Kevin had asked me out a few times but I always said no. Not because I didn’t like him , I just did not like him that way.
The Jocks and cheerleaders at school were even worse. If you were popular the world was at your finger tips. We even had a ATM machine for some of the richer kids. One jock in particular often caught my attention Mike. He was the guy who was always putting Kevin in his locker and winking at me like he wanted me. His little innuendoes were always getting on my nerves. Sure he was hot but he was the forward of the soccer team. Besides his girlfriend was my ex-best friend Jamie, she still has not forgiven me for stealing all of her boyfriends when we were in the seventh grade. I never stole anything her test for them was to meet me. And when they would dump her the next day they would come after me. I always turned them down, ok there was that one time with Ben but I highly don’t think he counts. We went one double date with a mutual couple and he tried to kiss me after spitting a huge, gross and flabby piece of phlegm out the door of the theater. But that wasn’t the worst part of the date he patted me on the head, leaned on me and called me short-y. So after his spit flight and his annoying display of my short stature, I pulled his arm behind his back and told him to back off.
For the sake of my friend Coco I pretended to be heavily into him. I would call him every day so he would finally become annoyed and break up with me. I eventually won and because of my acting skills no one was the wiser. I should have won an Oscar for that performance. People these days still think I am depressed , just because a person doesn’t cry in front of others or get angry or overly happy does not mean they are depressed.
I even had a few people call me the Ice Queen for that very reason. I never understood the point in showing everyone how much they have hurt you. If you allow something like this to take place it just shows them how they can in further endeavors.
I could smell the bacon and eggs cooking on the stove. Hearing the sound of the bacon sizzling made my stomach gurgle with hunger. I could not put up with brushing my teeth and hair with the sounds and smells from the kitchen seeping into the upstairs bathroom. I was starving it was as if I had not eaten in two days. But when I rushed out the door and down the stairs I ran straight through Thomas at the bottom of the steps. Suddenly I lost my appetite feeling the queasy dizziness from running through the little ghost boy would certainly do that. I turned and looked at him in shock, I could not understand he and I could touch each other so why did I just run through him. He smiled up at me as I walked into the wall.
“Ouch!” I screamed as he started to laugh at me.
“ You can only touch me when you are thinking about it. And I was not aware of any one alive that could walk through walls. But I’d like to see it again it was kind of funny.” Thomas said with a goofy chuckle.
“ Sue is that you do you have all your stuff packed yet? I would like to head back to Wyoming before nightfall.” I heard my mother shout from the kitchen table as she sipped her coffee. I walked into where she was sitting.
“ You know Sue walls do not move out of the way. Unless you are in a fun house.” my mother said with a smug grin. I sat next to her and rolled my eyes. Sometimes my mother acted more like a child then I did. But then again having a gift like mine did hold a sort of responsibility that no one should have to bare. My aunt set a plate of food in front of me. “ You need to eat we have to get going soon I have to meet someone in Nebraska in an hour.” My mother said grabbing my bags and walking out the door. Before I could ask Billie is she was feeling better she was in the chair next to me.
“ You will not be going back to Wyoming honey. School does not start for another two months. You must listen to me Sue , she is taking you to a doctor.” Billie said giving me a scared look and grabbing my arm. Why would my mother take me to a doctor there was nothing wrong with me. Well besides the hearing and seeing ghost. But no one knew about that it wasn’t like I spoke out loud to them. “ She found your diary and she thinks you might have some mental issues so she is taking you to the Psychology ward at Richard Young. I told her just to talk to you about it first but she will not listen to me.” Just as I was about to ask why I realized that the diary my mother must of found was not the one I wrote for my parents benefit. She had found my real one, the one in which I wrote about the ghost and spirits I saw daily.
I wrote about the nightmares I had, seeing people get killed in your dreams is not the best thought to have written on paper for others to read. I had hidden my real diary in one of ‘Twilight series’ book covers I was always reading at least one of them. I had hidden the actual book under my mattress for some late night reading and place my diary in the cover on the book shelf. These days everyone and their mom was reading that series. It is the new Romeo and Juliet , I however read it and did not Identify with the main person but the one she was in love with. A tortured soul hidden from everyone and everything, always the odd one out. That was me so it would be no surprise that someone would eventually put me in the loony bin. I grabbed my purse off the back of the chair and gave Billie a hug and kiss.” Don’t worry I will be perfectly fine.” I said into her ear hope that some of the words and tone in my voice would soothe her.
On the ride to Omaha with my mother was the most awkward I have ever been in my life. Thomas was hiding in the backseat jumping up and down singing Yankee doodle. I was half tempted to throw a dirty sock into his mouth to shut him up, but that would have lead my mother to think I was more nuts then what she really thought. She wasn’t like a mom per say she was more like a big sister to me but there were few times the mom side came out and this was one of them.
“ Sue do you want to explain to me why you would hide a diary? “
She said turning off the radio.
“ I was wondering why you would go threw my things and who says I was hiding it. Maybe they are just stories I didn’t want anyone to see.” I said trying to justify me writing my thoughts on paper. I admit it was a bad idea to write everything down but if I just kept them in me I would end up where they are putting me anyway so what makes the difference.
“ I guess you would like to know where we are going. Well your father and I are heading to France for a few weeks and you are going to be staying a Richard young for a few weeks. A friend of the families is a doctor up there, I sent him your diary and he feels you need some help dealing with your imagination.” She said with tears streaming down her cheeks. I did not like seeing her cry but there was nothing I could do. My parents were sending me to a mental hospital while they went on vacation. I wanted to scream and say no mom I am not crazy and to prove it there is a little ghost boy who was annoying the crap out of me in the back seat. If I would have told them what was really going on I would be living in the nut house for the rest of my life. I was emotionless as always , I was known as the Ice Queen to my parents. Knowing my luck they thought I was a sociopath. But I could feel things for others, I can cry , I can be happy , and I can be angry. Just because I don’t announce them to the world doesn’t mean I am a sociopath.
As we pulled into the parking lot I could see two large men standing at the door . My life felt like a silent movie cut into a slow motion real. Playing scene by scene, I watched as Thomas grabbed onto my jacket. His eyes glued on the entrance to the private ward. I could see his tiny body shaking in terror. I knew he could hear in my head so I tried to comfort him. “Thomas you can go stay somewhere else if need be. I don’t need you here with me I am a big girl I can take care of myself.” He looked up at me his childish brown eyes gazing at me. “ But I cant leave you there are bad things in there you need me and I am scared to be alone. Please Sue let me stay I will be good I wont annoy you anymore I promise.”
He said pleading me as my mother handed one of the men my suitcase and the other my bag. She turned to me and hugged me tightly as if she would never see me again I could see tears streaming down her face more now. Her makeup had smeared and had black lines streaking down her face and lipstick smeared across her chin.
They pulled me out of her arms and each grabbed an arm. As we walked into the Hospital I could feel the chill in the air. I could sense the death that loomed over head. I wanted to run screaming for my life back out the door, but they had a tight grip on me. On the ride up in the elevator they let go of me for a moment. The silence was deafening you could have dropped a feather and it would have made more of a sound. Their grip was back on me before the door opened and in front of us was a gangly woman.
“You need to change into these for your own protection dear and dif you have and special needs come talk to me later.” She winked at me as she handed me a plan white t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants. Then I heard a voice in my head that I wasn’t familiar with it was sweet yet a little raspy.” Don’t worry dear my name is Wendy I know why you are here I will help as much as I can.” I looked down at Thomas and he was just as shocked as I was. Wendy looked to where he was standing against the wall and smiled at him then to me.
As they walked me through the gate to my room I could see some of the people I would be living with for the next few weeks or years. I felt my personal space invaded by a older woman in her twenties dancing in a gown in front of me and singing very badly.
“Don’t talk to the little people and the fairies they will try and hurt you. I am Stacy queen of the pixies you want to see my crown?” she said right in my face. She was so close I could feel her sweat dripping onto me. As one of the guards grabbed her she lifted her gown. I caught a glimpse of her bare ass right in my face as they carried her off to her room. Wendy came up to me and wrapped one arm around me guiding me to my room. “Don’t worry about Stacy she is harmless a little delusional but harmless. I will bring in some toy cars for your little friend over there. The last thing we need in this place is a little boy ghost wandering the halls at night or when you are in one of your sessions.” She said hugging me she shut the door to my room so I could change.
I did not want to talk to anyone or see anyone for that matter I had never talked about my gift to anyone for this very reason. There was something about this place that didn’t seem right. It was much colder then anyplace I had ever been in. The light in my room would flicker off and on and I could see shadows cross the window at least every five minutes. I could also see that I was not alone in this room , there was another bed on the side but this was a coed ward. There were pictures on the wall of naked girls everywhere it was a bit gross. I was hoping they had not put me in a room with a psycho. I turned to hand my normal clothes to the head nurse. Who was standing in front of the door locked from the outside. I knocked on the door for her to open it. “Just a moment Andy the girl you are sharing your room with is changing and I want those Pictures off your wall now. You know that is against the rules.” she said I could hear the irritation in her voice when she spoke to him.
“ Look old lady I told you I don’t like sharing my room and why are you making me share with a girl granted this is a coed ward and you leave the doors open at night. But who is to say I will not hurt her feelings. I swear if she is like the last twat you put there I will make her run from the room screaming.” The guys said he was starting to scare me he sounded like a complete asshole. I think I can ignore him for the most part I can ignore everyone if I put my mind to it. That’s not the reason I’m here though. I have to prove to these people that I am normal. Normal being a relative term used loosely. I had to say it would be easy as long as I could go without writing anything. That in it self would be hard I would be keeping thoughts in my head that would make a sane man go insane.
As Wendy unlocked the door and before I could hand her my clothing I was ambushed by the asshole who was to be my roommate. He knocked me to the floor causing me to scream out in pain when my head hit the tiled floor. For a second I could swear I had kneed him in the groin when he knocked me down but I blacked out before I could hear or say anything.
I could see an empty Piano playing by its self , the tune was familiar but the man who played it was other wise distracted by my presence in the room. Grabbing at my waist and spinning me around I felt somewhat sick to my stomach. The room was hazy yet I could make out some object in the room besides the person holding me tightly. I could smell a strange sent in the air and I felt a shiver run up and down my spin making my hair stand on end.. It wasn’t cold in the room because I was sweating I could feel the droplets of perspiration rolling down my vulnerable skin.
I could smell and hear the blood drip from the rusty axe like a leaky faucet. Turning to the stairs again, I had forgotten the last child was hiding upstairs. “I missed a kid.” I said to myself as I climbed the winding staircase. I had never killed anyone before and here I was. To murder eight sleeping people, two adults and six children was foul, even for me. I could feel the icy chill of a cold breath on the back of my neck. Something was urging me to commit a crime that would seal my entrance into hell. I walked into the children’s room and turned to open the closet door. One more, and that is it, I could walk away from this house and never return. I gripped the doorknob and raised the axe in my right hand, ready to strike it into a child’s skull. I flung open the door and froze like a block of ice. There was a little girl gazing up at me in fear, she had ringlets in her hair and large brown eyes. As she screamed in horror, I felt the axe jerk forward as if it had a mind of its own. It was as if it wanted to taste the blood on its blade.
“Hey Susan are you up there? Come downstairs, you have to see the Stillinger girl’s room.”
Lilith called from downstairs, snapping me out of a daze. I could not understand what had just happened. It was as if I was someone else, someone I had never met before. I turned to walk down the wooden steps. I stopped at the landing and heard a very angry voice shouting behind me. I did not want to turn around I knew no one was upstairs with me. Lilith and Brad-the owner-were downstairs touring the house. My head was throbbing and my stomach felt like it was doing cartwheels. I felt someone almost hovering over me; I could hear the heavy breathing and smell rotted eggs. It began to grow colder in the room, so cold I could see my own breath. I turned to see why I was beginning to feel as if someone was watching me. Something rushed at me from across the room. It was a tall thin dark figure with blood soaked clothing.
“Get out of here and never return! So you can hear me you incarnated angel? I said never return or you will stay here with me for all eternity!” the figure shouted while running at me. I lost my balance and began to fall backwards down the stairs. I grabbed what little rail there was and hung on, as the figure seemed to pass straight through me. When I finally reached my bearings, I practically flew down the remaining steps. My heart was racing and my head was starting to spin again as I grabbed Lilith’s arm and pulled her toward to back door.
“I think now would be the best time to leave.” I said still pulling her by the arm. I could feel eyes watching us as we left the house. Brad locked the door behind him as he twisted the knob to make sure it was locked up tight, it started to drizzle lightly. It was foggy and cold outside, as if the town was asleep almost. As we walked away, I looked up at the children’s bedroom window and saw a little girl almost pleading for me not to leave. Then the very figure that had chased me away walked up behind her. I was walking backwards not wanting to take my eyes off them, when I tripped over my own feet and fell onto the gravel road.
Lilith started laughing hysterically at me pointing her finger at me.
“Sue you look like a drowned rat. What is wrong with you anyway you look like someone tried to kill you.”
I rolled my eyes at her and stood trying to wipe off the mud from my backside.
“Nothing let’s get back to my aunts before it starts to downpour.” I said stalking off away from the house with my back turned toward it.
Lilith was the last person in the world I wanted to know that I could see and communicate with the dead. I knew I was a freak since I was a kid I always played by myself. When I tried to make friends, I would say things about them that I could not know. They would back away and ask me if I was stalking them or was some kind of freak. The truth was I felt like one always knowing things before they happen or seeing someone as I was at their funeral walking around talking to others. Who ever it was would see me watching them and start talking to me. Giving me messages to give to their loved ones or asking me questions I did not have the answers to.
I have a habit of scaring people away even when I pretended to be normal. It was as if they could tell I was pretending. Lilith on the other hand never said anything she was what you would call a kindred spirit. She was Pagan and believed in the supernatural although she could not sense anything; she believed that there was always something more.
“Hey Sue you want to talk a walk up to the cemetery and see where they buried them?”
I looked at her and glowered.
“Why are you so interested in the history of that old house? And no I don’t want to go up there it gives me the creeps.”
I didn’t really want to go on any more expeditions but I knew if I did not give her what she wanted I would end up here sooner or later. As we walk to the cemetery I felt as if I was hauling a suitcase on my back. When we approached the gates I could see several spirits watching us. There was a woman pacing back and forth over her gave with a look of total distraught. There were others and I felt the urge to help them but I just walked passed pretending I couldn’t see them. They didn’t come any where near me which was odd. Most of the time I couldn’t make them go away. I knew the victims of the axe murder wouldn’t be at their graves I had seen them all already at the house. I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was going I was more concerned with the strange weight on my shoulders. I was so lost in my own head I tripped over a small grave stone that was covered by lots of grass and a small puppy statue. I felt horrid when it broke off of the headstone I tried to place it back on but there was no use. I sat it next to the headstone and started to walk back out of the cemetery hoping Lilith would follow. I was right she was right on my heels once again.
“Didn’t you feel how strange that house felt? The fact that we were in a house where a massacre took place is just amazing and to have it in our own town is even more spectacular.” she said in a strange elated laugh.
I could not understand for the life of me why she found the death of those parents and children so exciting. Villisca is the type of town where you did not need a car you could walk every within fifteen minutes. Therefore, I could see why they hung onto the most interesting thing that ever happened in their town. I lived here with my aunt Billie every summer while my mom and dad went out of town. It was quiet here I got a lot of reading done but the library here was not fully stocked. Most of the library was like a shrine to the victims of the Villisca axe murder. It is known as the only event that actually foreshadowed the Titanic tragedy. There were so many theories about who did it and why they did, but no one has ever been charged with their murders. Now it was a tourist attraction. For any one who wanted to experience the paranormal. Anyone who entered that house could feel the anger and fear in the house. Along with the over whelming sadness at like two a.m. when the train whistle would blow, you could see a mist roll into the house. It would become so still you could hear a pin drop on one of the mattresses.
As we walked into the front door of my aunts I could hear her snoring loudly, it always sounded like a freight train. She always took a nap in the afternoon. Especially when it was going to storm, she did not sleep well when there was going to be thunder and lighting. I would hear her late at night pacing back and forth on the wooden floor. Then she would run down the stairs to check on my great uncle Barney who lived with her. Bille and Barney I was the closest to in the family, Uncle Barney made me love science even more after he taught me to polish rocks.
“You can see the real beauty in them. You can tell where they have been and how they got there sometimes. If one was dropped it shows if someone used it to break something or if was pressed into the earth by anything you can tell. Rocks can never lie.”
Every one else thought it was just silly stuff he was teaching me but it always had something to do with life you could tell. He might have been an old kook to them but to my aunt Billie and me he was a wise old owl. I did not hear him but then again he was usually reading one of his many books that my dad would bring out for him from Omaha. I threw my bag on the table and started in to the living room. Lilith was right on my heels as always. I lost count of how many times she would step on my heels, but luckily, I learned my lesson the first twenty times. In addition, I started wearing tennis shoes instead of my sneakers.
They had a high back on them that would stop me from getting sores and blisters. I flipped on the television and turned it to the news channel. The newscasters were talking about some kid who went missing over the weekend. Most the time when you heard about missing kids they were either abducted or runaways. I was more interested in what was going to happen with the weather. I was raining harder and really did not want to be kept up all night by my aunt pacing back and forth.
Her snoring I could deal with I just hid my head under the pillow, or put my headphones on. Glen miller and a few of my other classical favorites always drowned her out.
Lilith sitting on the couch and I was on the piano bench. I started to play softly to myself, I was bad I never had lessons or was self-taught. I just listened to the music and just let go of everything and if it sounded good, I kept going with it. You see I am one of those people who can pick up an instrument or paint brush and create something everyone loves without even reading sheet music or taking any formal classes. It is easy for me to pick up on anything I just learn quickly. I heard a crackle of thunder outside of the house and felt the house shake. The lights went out and the television went black. I heard Lilith curse from behind me and her trip over the coffee table.
“Damn it why does everything always happen when you just start getting into stuff.”
She shouted at me while I was still playing.
“ I don’t know why cant you just enjoy something trust me. Tomorrow it will be fine with all the electricity flowing through the air most people feel energetic after a good storm.”
I said closing the lid on the piano.
Grabbing the candles that were on the top of the piano I lit each one with a match. When I handed one to Lilith I heard a loud thud come from uncle Barney’s room. I rushed through the kitchen and flung open the door to his room. There at the bottom of the stair well looking up at me.
“whoops sorry for scaring you kids I just cant see when I have no light in the room. What happened was it the storm?” Barney said as I helped him up off the floor. As I turned around my aunt was standing behind us with a look of ice. There was no emotion to her face as she glared at us.
“ my bad did I give you a fright?:” she said giving us a wicked smile. It didn’t seem like her it was so cold and unemotional.
I didn’t like this look on her she was a warm and caring person full of love and a huge heart.
“ Not really I was just going to find us some flash lights why don’t you help me I think they are in the basement.”
The truth was that she had scared me and I didn’t like the way she was acting. The other thing was when I said basement Lilith and Barney looked at me like I had lost my mind. My aunt doesn’t have a basement so I knew something else was going on. I walked to the garage door with her following then I stopped before I opened the door and turned.
“Who are you ?” I asked getting right in her face she just looked at me and smiled.
“what are you talking about silly? “ she said smiling at me sweetly.
I knew there was someone in her body this wasn’t her. She was a worried person. Billie always cared about everyone else, right now she would be worried about getting us to a shelter incase of a tornado.
“who are you and why are you in her body?”
I shouted softly so that Lilith and Barney wouldn’t hear me, they had gone to the living room.
“you are a smart one aren’t you? So what do you want me to do leave this body ? Sorry little one but I needed out of that house and you provided the transport. but don’t worry it wont be for long I cant stay here forever after all this is a woman’s body and I am a man. So you understand that I wont leave until I am ready to say in about an hour or two when your uncle dies I will take his when he leaves it.”
I stared awe struck I knew something had followed me out but I had no clue what.
“what do you mean when he dies he is as healthy as a horse?”
I said in a cold unemotional tone. I figured out when I was younger that if you showed no emotion to spirits then couldn’t do anything. I would become what is known as a ice queen. No fear no empathy and no joy, sometimes I did this just out of habit. It was kind of hard to shut it off when trying to block out spirits from getting into my head.
“you let me worry about that. I have a feeling he might just die of fright tonight.”
The spirit said with a wicked scowl on its face.
“Your not taking him anywhere.” I said more restrained then ever. I wanted to reach into her body and rip out this infestation that had claimed it.
“You don’t know how to stop me. You may have the power but you haven’t found it yet.”
I couldn’t believe this thing was going to try and take over my uncles body after he killed him. It said I had the power to stop it but not the knowledge on how to do it. As I was pondering what was going on and how to fix this. I heard another loud crackle of thunder outside and felt the house shutter again. When I looked back at my aunt she looked at me awe struck then collapsed onto the linoleum floor. I rushed into grab Lilith I needed help moving her and I also wanted to check on Barney.
Before I could reach the living room I felt the room grow ice cold. I could sense there was something in the room with me. Then there was a strange pins and needles feeling on my leg like it had fallen asleep. I looked down to see a young boy about the age of six smiling up at me.
“Hi my name is Thomas I followed you from the cemetery. I hope you don’t mind I sent the bad man away he was starting to scare me.” he said still gripping my leg.
I wanted to know why he had followed me but I knew I probobly wouldn’t like the answer. So like an idiot I asked anyway.
“what do you want from me?” I knew it was a bad question to ask any spirit but I had to know.
“ I was lonely my family is all gone and I know you can see and hear me so I followed you. Plus you looked like you could use some help that bad man hurt that family and he was going to hurt yours and you. I like you, you play piano like my mom and think you can use a friend who can understand.” he looked at me sweetly like he was pleading for me to say that it was ok if he stayed with me. I just nodded he wasn’t like the other spirits I had met. Most of them either stayed away or got right in my face without saying a word. Some wanted my help others just where curious about me. This kid was kind of understanding then I remembered the gave stone I had tripped over in the cemetery.
It read Our beloved Thomas may he rest in peace 1942-1947. He seemed much older when he spoke to me but a lot of spirits that have been around along time had that same problem. Their bodies never aged on the spirit plane but their minds kept growing.
They observed the world around them for so long they just adapted and soaked up everything their minds could.
“Hey what is going on in there are you guys ok?” Lilith asked from the living room trying to sound like she wasn’t scared. I kind of laughed at myself as I walked into the living room. The light started to flicker and I looked down at Thomas still at my side, wandering if the evil spirit was trying to make his way back. He just looked at me and smiled
“No its not him the lights are coming back on silly.” he said giggling at me. I heard someone groan from behind us it was Billie who was trying to get up off the floor.
“How in the heck did I get down the stairs and why am I in the kitchen on the floor?”
She said staring at me like I did something wrong. I started laughing as soon as Thomas did it was the cutest laugh I had ever heard. Lilith and Barney came rushing in knocking me to the ground.
“Hey your feeling better I see maybe I should make us all some liver and onions?” Barney said grinning from ear to ear at Billie.
“Um I think I am going to make myself a sandwich no pun intended.” Lilith said giving me a disgusted look then grabbing her throat with one hand and making a choking gesture. I heard Thomas chuckling behind me as I watched in horror as Barney actually started to cook liver and onions. I didn’t mind it but it was an acquired taste for others.
Later that night as I was in bed trying to drown out the sound of Billie’s snoring. I could see Thomas sitting in the old rocking chair in my room. He was just watching me and it was starting to creep me out. The rain had stopped however the wind was still howling outside the window. I was going to turn up the volume on my mp3 player when Thomas grabbed my hand.
“You didn’t ask me why I haven’t gone to see my family.” he said his hand was cold most ghost couldn’t actually touch you unless they had a connection with you. I knew there was some sort of a connection but I still haven’t figured it out. I looked at him rolling my eyes.
“You know Thomas the living still need to sleep, and if you want me to know then just tell me so I can go back to sleep.” I pulled the covers over my head and watched in shock as he yanked them off the bed in one fell swoop.
“ I didn’t go where I was meant to. I stayed to be around my family then everything fell apart. When they all finally died I wasn’t allowed to go with them. I miss them and want to be with them again but I guess since I couldn’t let go of them they let go of me. Leaving me here was the worst I watched other crossover. I tried to help others like you but they just ignored me or tried to help me move on.” he said pacing back and forth across the wooden floor.
“There is something that I have to do in order to move on and you have to help me you are the only one who hasn’t ignored me or tried to make me go away.” Thomas climbed on the bed next to me on his knees pleading. I didn’t like helping ghost or getting rid of spirits it made me feel even more like a freak.
“ Ok if I promise to try and help you figure it out will you shut up so I can go to sleep.” I said slamming the pillow over my head.
I could hear him laughing and playing well into the night after he threw my blanket back on me. He was starting to get on my nerves when a new song came on the player. It was a piano solo soft and melodic, I didn’t remember who it was by, but it made me want to cry not a sad cry but a beautiful cry. I could hear longing in the notes as the person played. It was careful and gentle, shy yet searching for something.
The notes were soft yet pronounced as if the person who wrote it was looking for love desperately. I felt my eyelids getting heavy listening to the song made me feel safe. I never felt safe ever I always felt as if someone was always watching me. Not in a guarded way more like I had ten sets of eyes on me at all times, but this song made me feel different. I felt protected like the song was written about me. There was someone searching for me I could feel it and that thought made me feel safe and needed for something much bigger then me.
I was talking to someone but I couldn’t see their face. It was dark but the moon was high in the sky. I could hear owls howling and bats flying above a lit fire pit. I could hear the tears and absolution in the mans voice as he spoke. “ You like him a lot don’t you? I don’t see why you haven’t told him how you feel about him. You are strong enough to go right up to him and say hey I like you. But you won’t he is shy and you are not. Sue you need to tell him, he needs someone strong like you to take care of him.”
I couldn’t see where the voice was coming from but it seemed like it was right in front of me.
I could feel everything spinning I couldn’t see anything. I tried to focus on something but all I could really see was the fire blazing and the moon even those things were becoming hazy. I could barely make out a set of chairs off to my right as I turned to walk toward them my legs felt like they were filled with lead. My body hit the ground so hard I could feel bits of gravel digging into my skin through my shirt.
Next thing I know I am in a room with my hair soaked and in a bath robe. With some guy staring at me in shock and awe. In the room there were two tables set up neatly with dinner plates with food on them all but two were half gone. Off to my left I caught a older woman picking up the plates smiling at me and the guy in the white shirt.
“Who are you and what are you doing in my dream?” The guy said standing behind his chair giving me a look of distain. His dream he was in mine, but then again I couldn’t for the life of me figure out where in the world I would have come up with this setting.
“What do you mean your dream this is mine see my dairy is on that table over their.” I said pointing to my diary on the empty table behind me. The next thing I saw was it leap right into his hand and I was tied to a chair directly in front of him.
As I tried to wiggle loose he started reading it out loud. “ Dear diary today I saw the man in my dreams again he didn’t seem to notice me but no one ever does anyway. To him I am just another face in a crowded room. He looked at me and smiled but was blocked out by an obnoxious blonde with black streaks in her hair. It was strange the way I felt about this man I had never met before or even seen he didn’t seem real. His green eyes glistened in the sun light. He had on a white shirt that showed a bit of his chest hair and Khaki pants on. They were a little tight on him but I tried not to focus on that his lonely eyes had me captivated.
His ruffled blonde hair was smooth yet disheveled and I watched idly by as he ran his long thin fingers through it. I couldn’t hear him speak as he sat at the piano but I watch with more desire then I had ever had for anyone, as his lips moved and he licked his lips slightly. I wanted to know if those lips were real but as the only song that made me feel safe at night began to end I started to wake. My dream was gone I would never know if this was a real person or just something my mind cooked up.”
When he finally finished reading my most intimate thoughts I was standing again but this time next to his six foot frame. He was the man I wrote about that day I could feel it in my bones. But was this a dream was I in his or he in mine? I wanted to runaway the moment my dairy flung its self into his hand and he began reading it. But I couldn’t move I was locked by his blue eyes but they didn’t seem blue up close they looked more green then blue. He sat down in a chair in front of me and looked up with sadness.
“Its about me isn’t it?” he said. Before I could speak to tell him it was and I had a strange feeling he was as real as I was. I woke up to a ghost child jumping up and down on my bed.
“ Hey Sue its time to wake up sleepy head its almost noon and I want to talk some more.” Thomas said trying to pull the blanket off me again.
So I threw my other pillow at him and yelled.” Leave me alone butthead I was having a really good dream till you messed it up! Now get off my bed before I start to ignore you.”
I didn’t want to be mean but I actually felt like I was getting somewhere with that dream till the phantom menace had to ruin it.
He started giggling again and said
“Nope sorry you cant ignore me because I can touch you remember. Besides I want to know this Pat guy is you were talking to in your sleep?” he started reaching through the blanket this time sticking his ice cold hands on my face.
“ Holy crap your freezing get off!” I shouted jumping off the bed to get away from him.
As I turned to glower at him he was on the wooden floor rolling with laughter.
“You may think this is funny you little phantom Dennis the menace but just remember I can touch you too. So you better start acting your IQ. I know you were just a kid when you died but you’ve been dead long enough to know how to behave.” I said shaking my head at him while picking up my pillow I had flung at him.
“ Ok party pooper you know you sound like my mom. Don’t do this don’t do that , eat your dinner stop nagging your sister. Stop taking your brothers toys, behave in church.
Don’t slouch… Nag.. Nag.. Nag….” he said in a snotty tone shaking his head back and forth and wagging his finger at me.
I just rolled my eyes at him as I walked to my closet. I felt a sudden sharp pain on the bottom of my foot. I looked down and then I turned and glared at the little ghost kid whistleing and staring up at the celing. “ You are so picking up these toys I am not going to be stepping on army men every freaking morning till you go away.” I said picking up a army man that had clung to my foot and flicked it at him. Then like a super hero he was in front of me blocking my way to the closet.
“What makes you think I will ever go away maybe I will stay forever. You can be my new mom ha ha.” he said to me but I had a feeling he ment it.
I was not ready to be anyones mother let alone take care of a ghost child. I was a loner in life and planned to stay that way in the world of the living I was miss invisible. Then again in the land of the dead or never born I was a bright shiny toy everyone wanted.
“Thomas go downstairs so I can get dressed ok I will meet you there.” I said shoving him out of the way and opening my closet door.
I pulled out a pair of overhauls and a long sleve shirt. I wore those most of the time to hide the scars on my wrist. I was suicidle at one time in my life when I felt alone and like a freak. I was always worried that I was the only one in the world who could understand me. I was the deffinition of a reserved and strange child. Even after my inccident I didn’t want to be the invisible one in this world or the bright light in another. It wasn’t until I started dreaming of the man who made the music, that I had fallen asleep to the night before that my outlook changed. I didn’t know what he looked like so I guess my mind was just jumbling up pictures in order to give me what I wanted, someone who would understand me. But for all I knew it could have been a some old fart or a kid or who knows maybe even a woman who wrote that beautiful music.
Chapter Two
Rushing to the bathroom to comb my hair and brush my teeth I felt a small pinch on the left side of my cheek. Like someone had just thrown a sharp pebble at my face.
“ Ha got you this time. You said you would be right down when you got dressed. You lied to me now you have to face the consequences.” Thomas said doubling up his little fist like he was going to start punching me.
“knock it off, I will be done in a minute leave me alone.” I said sticking out my tongue at him.
I slammed the door and reached for the brush. I don’t have a lot of hair to brush, but if I did not brush it I would be a tangled mess. I felt a cool breeze through the window above the tub brush against the back of my neck. Making the hair on my arms stand straight up ,sending a shiver down my spine. I knew I was going to take as long as I could in the bathroom, just to avoid Thomas and try and clear my head.
School was coming quickly this year and I wasn’t ready to head back to Wyoming. The kids were not mean to me I wasn’t bullied like others I knew. Kevin was one of the kids a few years younger then me that was always bullied. He was shorter then anyone and was a bit of a pocket protector nerd. Kevin was a sweet and endearing, always knew how to make you smile. But I knew every day plagued him to no end. He would walk me home about an hour after school got out, after I retrieved him from his locker or from behind the bathroom door.
Kevin would have been cute even with his braces and coke bottle glasses. But there were not any boys that really caught my attention or even liked me for that matter. Kevin had asked me out a few times but I always said no. Not because I didn’t like him , I just did not like him that way.
The Jocks and cheerleaders at school were even worse. If you were popular the world was at your finger tips. We even had a ATM machine for some of the richer kids. One jock in particular often caught my attention Mike. He was the guy who was always putting Kevin in his locker and winking at me like he wanted me. His little innuendoes were always getting on my nerves. Sure he was hot but he was the forward of the soccer team. Besides his girlfriend was my ex-best friend Jamie, she still has not forgiven me for stealing all of her boyfriends when we were in the seventh grade. I never stole anything her test for them was to meet me. And when they would dump her the next day they would come after me. I always turned them down, ok there was that one time with Ben but I highly don’t think he counts. We went one double date with a mutual couple and he tried to kiss me after spitting a huge, gross and flabby piece of phlegm out the door of the theater. But that wasn’t the worst part of the date he patted me on the head, leaned on me and called me short-y. So after his spit flight and his annoying display of my short stature, I pulled his arm behind his back and told him to back off.
For the sake of my friend Coco I pretended to be heavily into him. I would call him every day so he would finally become annoyed and break up with me. I eventually won and because of my acting skills no one was the wiser. I should have won an Oscar for that performance. People these days still think I am depressed , just because a person doesn’t cry in front of others or get angry or overly happy does not mean they are depressed.
I even had a few people call me the Ice Queen for that very reason. I never understood the point in showing everyone how much they have hurt you. If you allow something like this to take place it just shows them how they can in further endeavors.
I could smell the bacon and eggs cooking on the stove. Hearing the sound of the bacon sizzling made my stomach gurgle with hunger. I could not put up with brushing my teeth and hair with the sounds and smells from the kitchen seeping into the upstairs bathroom. I was starving it was as if I had not eaten in two days. But when I rushed out the door and down the stairs I ran straight through Thomas at the bottom of the steps. Suddenly I lost my appetite feeling the queasy dizziness from running through the little ghost boy would certainly do that. I turned and looked at him in shock, I could not understand he and I could touch each other so why did I just run through him. He smiled up at me as I walked into the wall.
“Ouch!” I screamed as he started to laugh at me.
“ You can only touch me when you are thinking about it. And I was not aware of any one alive that could walk through walls. But I’d like to see it again it was kind of funny.” Thomas said with a goofy chuckle.
“ Sue is that you do you have all your stuff packed yet? I would like to head back to Wyoming before nightfall.” I heard my mother shout from the kitchen table as she sipped her coffee. I walked into where she was sitting.
“ You know Sue walls do not move out of the way. Unless you are in a fun house.” my mother said with a smug grin. I sat next to her and rolled my eyes. Sometimes my mother acted more like a child then I did. But then again having a gift like mine did hold a sort of responsibility that no one should have to bare. My aunt set a plate of food in front of me. “ You need to eat we have to get going soon I have to meet someone in Nebraska in an hour.” My mother said grabbing my bags and walking out the door. Before I could ask Billie is she was feeling better she was in the chair next to me.
“ You will not be going back to Wyoming honey. School does not start for another two months. You must listen to me Sue , she is taking you to a doctor.” Billie said giving me a scared look and grabbing my arm. Why would my mother take me to a doctor there was nothing wrong with me. Well besides the hearing and seeing ghost. But no one knew about that it wasn’t like I spoke out loud to them. “ She found your diary and she thinks you might have some mental issues so she is taking you to the Psychology ward at Richard Young. I told her just to talk to you about it first but she will not listen to me.” Just as I was about to ask why I realized that the diary my mother must of found was not the one I wrote for my parents benefit. She had found my real one, the one in which I wrote about the ghost and spirits I saw daily.
I wrote about the nightmares I had, seeing people get killed in your dreams is not the best thought to have written on paper for others to read. I had hidden my real diary in one of ‘Twilight series’ book covers I was always reading at least one of them. I had hidden the actual book under my mattress for some late night reading and place my diary in the cover on the book shelf. These days everyone and their mom was reading that series. It is the new Romeo and Juliet , I however read it and did not Identify with the main person but the one she was in love with. A tortured soul hidden from everyone and everything, always the odd one out. That was me so it would be no surprise that someone would eventually put me in the loony bin. I grabbed my purse off the back of the chair and gave Billie a hug and kiss.” Don’t worry I will be perfectly fine.” I said into her ear hope that some of the words and tone in my voice would soothe her.
On the ride to Omaha with my mother was the most awkward I have ever been in my life. Thomas was hiding in the backseat jumping up and down singing Yankee doodle. I was half tempted to throw a dirty sock into his mouth to shut him up, but that would have lead my mother to think I was more nuts then what she really thought. She wasn’t like a mom per say she was more like a big sister to me but there were few times the mom side came out and this was one of them.
“ Sue do you want to explain to me why you would hide a diary? “
She said turning off the radio.
“ I was wondering why you would go threw my things and who says I was hiding it. Maybe they are just stories I didn’t want anyone to see.” I said trying to justify me writing my thoughts on paper. I admit it was a bad idea to write everything down but if I just kept them in me I would end up where they are putting me anyway so what makes the difference.
“ I guess you would like to know where we are going. Well your father and I are heading to France for a few weeks and you are going to be staying a Richard young for a few weeks. A friend of the families is a doctor up there, I sent him your diary and he feels you need some help dealing with your imagination.” She said with tears streaming down her cheeks. I did not like seeing her cry but there was nothing I could do. My parents were sending me to a mental hospital while they went on vacation. I wanted to scream and say no mom I am not crazy and to prove it there is a little ghost boy who was annoying the crap out of me in the back seat. If I would have told them what was really going on I would be living in the nut house for the rest of my life. I was emotionless as always , I was known as the Ice Queen to my parents. Knowing my luck they thought I was a sociopath. But I could feel things for others, I can cry , I can be happy , and I can be angry. Just because I don’t announce them to the world doesn’t mean I am a sociopath.
As we pulled into the parking lot I could see two large men standing at the door . My life felt like a silent movie cut into a slow motion real. Playing scene by scene, I watched as Thomas grabbed onto my jacket. His eyes glued on the entrance to the private ward. I could see his tiny body shaking in terror. I knew he could hear in my head so I tried to comfort him. “Thomas you can go stay somewhere else if need be. I don’t need you here with me I am a big girl I can take care of myself.” He looked up at me his childish brown eyes gazing at me. “ But I cant leave you there are bad things in there you need me and I am scared to be alone. Please Sue let me stay I will be good I wont annoy you anymore I promise.”
He said pleading me as my mother handed one of the men my suitcase and the other my bag. She turned to me and hugged me tightly as if she would never see me again I could see tears streaming down her face more now. Her makeup had smeared and had black lines streaking down her face and lipstick smeared across her chin.
They pulled me out of her arms and each grabbed an arm. As we walked into the Hospital I could feel the chill in the air. I could sense the death that loomed over head. I wanted to run screaming for my life back out the door, but they had a tight grip on me. On the ride up in the elevator they let go of me for a moment. The silence was deafening you could have dropped a feather and it would have made more of a sound. Their grip was back on me before the door opened and in front of us was a gangly woman.
“You need to change into these for your own protection dear and dif you have and special needs come talk to me later.” She winked at me as she handed me a plan white t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants. Then I heard a voice in my head that I wasn’t familiar with it was sweet yet a little raspy.” Don’t worry dear my name is Wendy I know why you are here I will help as much as I can.” I looked down at Thomas and he was just as shocked as I was. Wendy looked to where he was standing against the wall and smiled at him then to me.
As they walked me through the gate to my room I could see some of the people I would be living with for the next few weeks or years. I felt my personal space invaded by a older woman in her twenties dancing in a gown in front of me and singing very badly.
“Don’t talk to the little people and the fairies they will try and hurt you. I am Stacy queen of the pixies you want to see my crown?” she said right in my face. She was so close I could feel her sweat dripping onto me. As one of the guards grabbed her she lifted her gown. I caught a glimpse of her bare ass right in my face as they carried her off to her room. Wendy came up to me and wrapped one arm around me guiding me to my room. “Don’t worry about Stacy she is harmless a little delusional but harmless. I will bring in some toy cars for your little friend over there. The last thing we need in this place is a little boy ghost wandering the halls at night or when you are in one of your sessions.” She said hugging me she shut the door to my room so I could change.
I did not want to talk to anyone or see anyone for that matter I had never talked about my gift to anyone for this very reason. There was something about this place that didn’t seem right. It was much colder then anyplace I had ever been in. The light in my room would flicker off and on and I could see shadows cross the window at least every five minutes. I could also see that I was not alone in this room , there was another bed on the side but this was a coed ward. There were pictures on the wall of naked girls everywhere it was a bit gross. I was hoping they had not put me in a room with a psycho. I turned to hand my normal clothes to the head nurse. Who was standing in front of the door locked from the outside. I knocked on the door for her to open it. “Just a moment Andy the girl you are sharing your room with is changing and I want those Pictures off your wall now. You know that is against the rules.” she said I could hear the irritation in her voice when she spoke to him.
“ Look old lady I told you I don’t like sharing my room and why are you making me share with a girl granted this is a coed ward and you leave the doors open at night. But who is to say I will not hurt her feelings. I swear if she is like the last twat you put there I will make her run from the room screaming.” The guys said he was starting to scare me he sounded like a complete asshole. I think I can ignore him for the most part I can ignore everyone if I put my mind to it. That’s not the reason I’m here though. I have to prove to these people that I am normal. Normal being a relative term used loosely. I had to say it would be easy as long as I could go without writing anything. That in it self would be hard I would be keeping thoughts in my head that would make a sane man go insane.
As Wendy unlocked the door and before I could hand her my clothing I was ambushed by the asshole who was to be my roommate. He knocked me to the floor causing me to scream out in pain when my head hit the tiled floor. For a second I could swear I had kneed him in the groin when he knocked me down but I blacked out before I could hear or say anything.
I could see an empty Piano playing by its self , the tune was familiar but the man who played it was other wise distracted by my presence in the room. Grabbing at my waist and spinning me around I felt somewhat sick to my stomach. The room was hazy yet I could make out some object in the room besides the person holding me tightly. I could smell a strange sent in the air and I felt a shiver run up and down my spin making my hair stand on end.. It wasn’t cold in the room because I was sweating I could feel the droplets of perspiration rolling down my vulnerable skin.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Bio
BASICS: Full Name: Jennifer Pearl ......
Nicknames: jen , pearlharbor , white wave , jenny , bird lady, or my friend jeff's fave he calls me bruce lee lol i guess i was kinda intimating in school lol
Birthdate: oct. 22 . 1982
Birthplace: iowa Current Location: Nebraska in hell
Zodiac Sign: libra
Height: 5'3"
Hair Color: Brunette
Eye Color: they change but mostly water blue with lil waves
Shoe Size: 8
Parents: Diana a cna and my step-dad paul trucker
Siblings: half sister Melissa Rae .
Pets: dog annie and a cat tux and a cat that thinks hes a dog Twilight
Best Friends: too many lol
Idols: my grandma and my aunt judy they showed me how to be strong in the worst of times when your effected by cancer i beat it twice they never made it .
Education: elementary and high school both sucked i got outed as a genius in elementary and again in high school teachers suck why cant us smart people just be left alone
FAVORITES: Color: teal
Food: tough one not really sure im not that picky
Cereal: not into cereal
Non-Alcoholic Drink: H2O , other then that not really picky
Alcoholic Drink: i dont drink that often once in a blue moon, but i choose the hard stuff over beer beer tends to get me in trouble
Music Genre: all sorts Bands/Artists: way too many to name plus because some are kinda of famous if i didnt pick them id be in trouble lol i can pick a fave
Instrument: guitar, drums (thanks to my first step-dad when i was like 4), viola , and flute
Movies:lots here
Actor/Actress: never really got into it but one i can say is dolph lundgren(what can i say i like smart guys )
TV Show: csi, charmed, ghost hunters , paranormal state , and doctor who but not really into tv Place to Be: in the middle of the ocean on a boat awwww silence it might change but for now thats home
Season: spring and fall
Saying/Catch Phrase: i say it all the time dont mean for people to actually do it but just dont say it to me cuz i will and i bite hard lol
Word: oh hell
Swear Word: damit, fuck and oh shit
Quote: -you can either live life as though nothing is a miracle or you can live it as if everything is... Albert Einstein Song
Lyrics: ill get back to ya on that.
Boys Names: mark steven and nickolas lynn, Andrew alexander .
Girls Names: Jasmine christina
Car: 1957 chevy bel-air hard top baby blue with white interior and chrome finish with orig. interior lol i know im the only girl who can go into that much detail lol
Book: mist of Avalon,
Poem: no comment .
Magazine: i dont read magazines
Likes: photography, being with family, being with friends, camping, art, swimming and nerd stuff you dont want to know, and books lots of books (my mom was a librarian ) .
Dislikes: fake ppl, liars, cheaters, ppl with huge egos, ppl who pretend to be something they're not
DEEP/PERSONAL QUESTIONS:
1.) Do you think you were well-raised? given the fact you ask most my friends i raised myself and my lil sis, but yes i was raised with a big heart and well mannered as are my boys they dont act like they are 4 and 8
2.) Do you have a secret that you've never told anyone? yes and i will take it to my grave i will only tell the person who is most like me so they can understand
3.) How do you handle stress? ok i have my ways, just ask the wall
4.) How would you spend the last day of your life? on the beach next to the ocean just watching all the beauty in the world
5.) Do you hide things well or do you have a guilty conscious? i hide things very well sometimes a lil too well
6.) If there was true love on one side of the road and a million dollars on the other, which would you choose? - that's a no-brainier ... true love. i refuse to be with guys who have money because of their answers to this question and i hate being treated like a freaking trophy there is more to me then just my body and face hello !
7.) If your parents got divorced, which would you choose to live with? by myself since ive been told if they ever split up its all my fault
8.) If you had to choose, one family member or 5 of your closest friends? my family is too big lol 9.) Do you think you could ever forgive someone who murdered a family member of your's? -yes why be angry and drain myself for something someone else did when i can go on still remembering that person, i would miss the family member but hating someone or vengeance wont bring them back
10.) What is the worst thing you've ever done that your parents dont know about? i cant tell my mom will prob read this and want to know lol
11.) Do you think you know the meaning of true love? yea i just havent found it yet
12.) What's the most important part of a relationship in your opinion? - trust and honest communication.
13.) Are you one to kiss and tell? - nope. those types of things are very special to me, i would never tell anyone what goes on in my personal life.or anyone elses for that matter i like mystery thats what keeps life interesting its not knowing lol
14.) Your most recent ex ... you guys still friends? - yeah we are.im friends with most of my exes i just wont ever date or sleep with them again lol i know im so mean sorry .
15.) If your parents didn't like the person you were dating, would you lose them? lol yeah we wont go there .....
16.) Do you see yourself being with someone you've been with before? - nope!
17.) If your best friend liked your ex, what would you do? that breaks my moral codes but for them hey if thats what makes them happy go for it ..... wanna know ask me THIS OR THAT:
1.) Die in a fire or drown? drown
2.) Eat friend worms or chocolate ants? niether wont eat a creature that lives off crap
3.) Been on the Titanic and lived during the Holocaust? - titanic, cuz Hitler would have killed me just cuz id try to kick his ass lol
4.) Which would you choose ... your boyfriend or your best friend? - best friend. doesn't matter what's going on ... i would choose my best friend everytime. doesnt matter if i've been with the guy for years, friends are always there when you need them. boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever. ppl need to remember that!
5.) Be ditched or live with ditching someone? - being ditched is wrong way to treat anyone remember, i can't take hurting ppl ... so if i had to live with that, it'd suck.
6.) Kids then marriage ... or marriage than kids? dumb question
7.) Being blind or deaf? i can deal with either partly cuz I'm almost blind anyway
8.) Live in a small apartment with 5 people or in a huge house by yourself that you thought was haunted? - small apartment with 5 ppl. i hate feeling alone
9.) Date someone with a job or a car? - either don't care as long as they can be a decent human being
RANDOM:
1.)Do you kick it with the same people always or new people? -anyone really
2.) How many piercings do you have? 4
3.) Tattoos? 6
4.) What is your greatest accomplishment? beating cancer twice, and going through things id never want anyone to go through and still be me .but stronger .
5.) Do you see yourself as a good person? - yes i do. i try
6.) Do you think best friends can be replaced? - no way!!!!!
7.) Name people that you can tell anything to. -nickolas birdsley , mark fleming and a few others like Andre Lalonde , Emily Lalonde , liz darbyshire , andrew goldstraw ,and tereza , josh , connie ,oh yeah and some of my Twitter friends too lol luv ya guys lmao
8.) Are you the type that would rather stay at home with people over or stay at other people's houses? - both. i love going over to other ppl's houses ... but i also love playing hostess. it doesn't really matter as long as everyone has fun
9.) Have you ever wanted to watch a scary movie with someone just to have an excuse to be close with them? - of course!!! But sometimes that doesn't always work lol i tend to be critical of scary movies i was born a week before Halloween so im a horror movie queen lol
10.) Is your family the eat dinner at the table type ... or the get your food and eat whereever you want type? -my boys were taught to eat meals as a family
11.) Have you ever hooked up with one of your ex's best friends? thats a big moral rule breaker for me
MORE RANDOMS:
1.) Are you religious? no comment
2.) Are you single or taken? - lol very much taken
3.) How many people have you had sex with? cant tell yea that but i have all their names written down, yes i know sad huh.
4.) What do you do in your free time? play with my kids, write , read and listen to music .
5.) Have you ever been in love? yea but never had it returned the way i want it to be
6.) What is your definition of love? - that's probably the hardest word to describe. its different for everyone ... for me its the feeling that nothing can hurt me ever again when im in his arms. that no matter what has happened or what i've had to go through in my past or what the future holds, that everything is going to get better from here on out cause he's always going to be there to catch me when i fall ... help me pick up the pieces of myself that i lost . and being able to be yourself without worry that the other not wanting you to change if you better yourself with them great but if not they love you the way you are .
7.) Have you ever cheated? yes sadly really im always getting cheated on goes against my moral rules hey give me a break i got a family full of truckers lol i was raised not to cheat but it has happened no one is perfect
8.) What are your thoughts on premarital sex? depends on who im speaking to
9.) Have you ever been pregnant or gotten someone pregnant? yea lots of times two of those are my boys
10.) have="" you="" got="" any="" diseases?=""> nope had cancer but fresh out of that lol
11.) Have you ever been to the ER? yea a lot lol
12.) Tell your honest opinion about your bf/gf or the person you like? he is absolutely amazing !
13.) What does your bf/gf or the person you like think about you? no clue im the invisible person over here
14.) If you could change one thing about the person you like, what would it be? -no comment
15.) Do you live with anyone? -yes
16.) Are you in school? no
17.) What are your feelings on underage drinking and partying? never seen the point to that not even in high school
18.) If you were asked to get married right now, would you? id say no two bad ones dont make a right, plus i like saying no to that lol
19.) Have you ever been engaged? - yes. and it was stupid.all four times, the funny part is i said no like a 12 times each to all of them lol i dont like the word yes ha ha ha .
20.) Do you want to get married and have kids? not in a big rush got two boys whom i love to death
21.) What is one thing you like doing with the opposite sex? not quite sure i should let my kinky ways be known lol
22.) What do you hate about the opposite sex? - its not all of them ... but i hate men that use women as sex toys. we're human beings, don't just use us and then leave us.i hate being a trophy dammit !!!!!
23.) Who do you hate? - oh must not go there may turn homicidal
24.) Where do you want to live? - not sure .
25.) What do you want as a career? a marine biologist, or other things
26.) What is your dream? - to always be happy .. and to be me.
27.) What would you do if you were to die tomorrow? -tell someone how i feel and that I have had the dreams to
28.) Why do you hate life? - it sucks sometimes.
29.) Why do you love life? - so many reasons
30.) What is your life motto? -you can either live life as though nothing is a miracle or you can live it as if everything is... Albert Einstein
31.) What about you do you wish you could change? to be visible
32.) If you could bring back anyone, who would it be? my grandma, and the person William Mcalpine was maybe if he pulls his head out of the blonde ass he will realize what he's become
33.) Have you ever thought about suicide? -yes been in the loony bin for it twice but what's the point in that ive had cancer and been in a bad car accident lost the only man ive ever fully trusted and i can just see death "going hell no i aint taken her !!!" lol
34.) Ever been depressed? - yes.
35.) What do you do when you're having a hard time? close my eyes and remember dreams
36.) Who do you want to see right now? -my daddy
37.) What scares you the most? not enjoying this life and being alone
38.) What do you wish you knew? - so many questions so little space lol
39.) Are you confused? - all the time.
40.) When was the last time you cried? no comment
41.) Do you cry a lot?- no cuz then i have a panic attack lol i cant cry or my throat closes up.
42.) Do you love anyone? - yes , my kids , my family and my friends.
43.) What was the best moment in your life? if i told ya id have to kill yeah lol ......
44.) Are you corny? - i can be. but always am lol
My moral rules are as follows
1) Never date a guy with money ever again lol (unless he has the balls to be a man about it and not treat me like a fucking toy! or tries to buy me shit to make me happy. News flash assholes material shit doesnt make me happy ever oh yea and i hate shopping !)
2) Never date my guy friends ---- every rule has exceptions (i have broken that rule a few times had a kid with one and all hell broke out he was no longer a friend but a obsessed asshole )
3) Never date my friends brothers - (its just wrong lol and if they are ur best friend its worse cuz then it feels like ur dating a family member and ya this isnt Kentucky )
4)Never sleep with any of the above lol
5) Never let people know how smart you really are ( i tend to scare away a lot of dates that way lol i use large words they cant understand then they feel stupid when i have to explain it.
6) Never sleep with a guy on the first date and no more one night stands ( made the mistake of doing to a guy what they normally do to women and ya didn tgo so well lol he called me a 3 am for 2 months asking me to see me again . i even told him it was a one night thing and he wouldnt let it go till i changed my phone # on his ass lmao )
7) Stop attacking psychos ( this one im still working on lol )
I wonder where this guy is lol still looking
Jennifer- I did a celtic cross spread for you and I'm learning that I really can do the reading with a 3 card spread.
But what I got was that since you lead your life by your heart, you would be willing to jump into anything with out really thinking it through first. But the man in your dreams is a representation of the ideal man you would like to make your life partner.
The man should have a very solid ground to stand on with a sense of earthyness, likes to work with his hands-healer/artist/carpenter are a few examples. He will also have a solid income- it might not be a Dr. or a million dollar tycoon, but he will have a job that he is quite stable in and there will be no fear of him losing it it trying times such as these.
He will also complete you,he will tend to lead with not only his heart but his mind as well., he will like to laugh with his heart, a great sense of humor. a good natured man who is very humble and giving.
But here is the catch that I saw... Don't rush the realtionship. Don't go jumping in with both feet and try to drag him in with you. Let the realtionship grow and take it's time. Don't be bossy, pushy, finiky, or overly anxious. This will only push him away and will be a dent in your self confidance and esteem. Learn from the mistakes from the past.
If you don't rush things and let them happen naturally...the Universe will let both of you know about the same time that you were meant to be together.
Confused Rant
yes i know i haven't written in a long time so here it goes , but i have a few questions for those who read this . When was the last time someone kissed you like i mean really kissed you to the point that your knees went weak and all you could think about was not letting go ? When have you looked at someone and said to your self i have to know more but not sure why or , did you ever have a dreams that were so not you but everything in the dream felt right like you were suppose to be there not wanting to wake because you knew it was a dream and knew that the things and people in your dream weren't real not in the literal sense but in the imaginative sense .
I have been for the last couple of years asking myself these and many more . It was hard to face it at first but when someone asked me what i wanted in life and out of it i had no clue for the first time i was forced to think of myself and i didn't like it i was good at thinking of what others needed of me and tried to meet everyone Else's expectations that i never really looked at myself i was in the mind set after all my cancer problems and near death experiences that making someone else smile was good enough for me . Now i feel like a lil kid kicking and screaming saying i don't want to look at what my future holds i want to stay where i am , but as my dreams of the perfect true love become more and more frequent to the point that its noon and im dead tired i wont go into details but lets just say these are far from the norm . This is so bad ive given a guy a chance to make me fall in love with him again and he has 6 months when im not really sure it was even love . love and lust are so similarity you can hardly tell them apart but i know i don't love him . i wasn't looking for anything and i found a guy that is so wrong for me in so many ways its not even humors . We don't have the same taste in movies , music , books and i love to read id rather read then watch t.v , i don't like video games and well as far as in the bedroom goes well lets just say i haven't had the best luck in that department before so now it just seems like karma want to be mean im good but guys have a hard time with self control i cant kiss any guy without him getting a hard on its not fair i want there to be more then a sexually attraction , I want deep conversations , and someone to keep up with my quick wit and intelligence not make me dumb everything down i hate saying that because it sounds so mean but its true i have a wild side but im deep and not many people get to see that because its hard to find people you relate to i do hang out with people younger then me because i can just goof around and have fun but when it comes time to have deep thought i try to avoid them if i can other wise i look like the elephant in a room .You can comment if you wish but these are just thought i have so until i find that someone that can let me be me without grabbing and saying i wont let go because you might not come back the hardest part maybe letting go but if you don't have faith enough to know that i care to come back that's a moot point
.
I have been for the last couple of years asking myself these and many more . It was hard to face it at first but when someone asked me what i wanted in life and out of it i had no clue for the first time i was forced to think of myself and i didn't like it i was good at thinking of what others needed of me and tried to meet everyone Else's expectations that i never really looked at myself i was in the mind set after all my cancer problems and near death experiences that making someone else smile was good enough for me . Now i feel like a lil kid kicking and screaming saying i don't want to look at what my future holds i want to stay where i am , but as my dreams of the perfect true love become more and more frequent to the point that its noon and im dead tired i wont go into details but lets just say these are far from the norm . This is so bad ive given a guy a chance to make me fall in love with him again and he has 6 months when im not really sure it was even love . love and lust are so similarity you can hardly tell them apart but i know i don't love him . i wasn't looking for anything and i found a guy that is so wrong for me in so many ways its not even humors . We don't have the same taste in movies , music , books and i love to read id rather read then watch t.v , i don't like video games and well as far as in the bedroom goes well lets just say i haven't had the best luck in that department before so now it just seems like karma want to be mean im good but guys have a hard time with self control i cant kiss any guy without him getting a hard on its not fair i want there to be more then a sexually attraction , I want deep conversations , and someone to keep up with my quick wit and intelligence not make me dumb everything down i hate saying that because it sounds so mean but its true i have a wild side but im deep and not many people get to see that because its hard to find people you relate to i do hang out with people younger then me because i can just goof around and have fun but when it comes time to have deep thought i try to avoid them if i can other wise i look like the elephant in a room .You can comment if you wish but these are just thought i have so until i find that someone that can let me be me without grabbing and saying i wont let go because you might not come back the hardest part maybe letting go but if you don't have faith enough to know that i care to come back that's a moot point
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