1. To destroy completely; demolish.
2. To harm irreparably.
3. To reduce to poverty or bankruptcy.
4. To deprive of chastity.
Yes i know this seems like a history lesson i feel that this is the place to just let everyone know whats what about me. A place to bare my soul so to speak, the truth shall set me free and for those with a weak heart or poor stomach then just go away...........
I was born in Iowa , I have two children both boys , Nickolas is turning nine in September and Mark just turned 5 in May, i was born in October I'm 26 when i was born my mother was not married and my father was a jerk , when i was Lil my mom was engaged to a man named Steve when i was about 4 he had a diabetic seizure in front of me under his car. He was in and out of comas for years after the first year of his in and out phase my mother decided she needed to move on that was the last time i saw his son who was going to be my step brother and the last time i saw him. Steve died on my 13Th birthday while i was at confirmation class
when i was 6 my mother met a man named Clifford Paul Hanson (yes i know and before you even ask yes I'm related to them) when i first met him i had the typical reaction most kids of single parents have i didn't like him for the longest time. Hes was a long distance truck driver for most of my like till i was 13 when my sister Melissa Rae was born before she was born we got along great things were perfect life was amazing.... in 94 i lost one of the most important people in my life the one that held me together, My grandmother Norma Pearl died of breast cancer.
When i said she held me together i was not liked by my some of my family at all i was always being fawned over by aunts and uncles and grandparents.. i was the special one the pretty one the little miss never get in trouble or do anything wrong well damn it I'm not perfect nor was i then. I was molested as a child yes i said it and that is not the only shocking tale in this blog read on....
For years i was silent i was quiet about it all and never even told my mother till after my second child when i was 21 ........
next horror story was i noticed that when i started to let anyone in i felt their life would be ruined just by knowing me, they either died or it a downward spiral. It was as if i was a plague to anyone who got close to me several guy friends after knowing me committed suicide... and the guys i dated for some reason till this day still cant let go... they want to protect me and to make sure I'm happy and it all becomes a bit to much to the point that some have in the past become stalkerish and then there are the ones that don't even know me that want me or want to know me desperately. Family always died or moved away creating a distance. They say that distance makes the heart grow founder well in my family that is sad but true we are kinda like gypsies in that aspect only problem is that we don't travel together we rearrange holidays to fit everyone schedule ... we have actually had Christmas in July lol .
i wanted to be many things growing up i couldn't choose and some people had their own ideas of what they wanted me to be . I wanted to be a singer when i was little because Steve was a drummer in a family run band . Then came my fascination with history i wanted to be a archaeologist and a oceanographer or a marine biologist. Then the acting and modeling bug bit me and i did that for a while but it never really felt like it was me.... for some reason even when i got a recording contract at the age of 13 i didn't feel at home in the spotlight.. i could handle it better then most but i still didn't feel as if i belonged there. It was as if something was telling me your meant to be here but not as you are. like destiny was trying to guide me where i needed to be I'm not sure as to where that is yet but ...... I'm sure in time i will understand. Then i got hit with the genetic problem that plagued all of us Birdsley's at one time, the POE legacy is a pain all the time. That's is you guessed it i started writing a story i started in high school before the whole twilight thing came out.... which is really messed up when you think about it . i lost my virginity at age 14 well when i like to think of it to Nickolas' s father Barry. he and i were off and on all through school. When i turned 17 i went out with him and ended back up at his house i told him i didn't want to have sex because one no condom and two things just didn't feel right. i tried to fight him off but i was no use he got what he wanted any way because i wasn't strong enough to fight back. went home and for a month i sat in my room and hardly spoke to anyone. It was my mother who noticed that things were off i ran away the next morning and went and got a test done turns out i was going to have my Nickolas. Barry refused to talk to me telling me it wasn't his (typical male) it wasn't until i was about 6 months in that he choose to talk to me and grow up.
we moved in together after nick was born . It went down hill from there he wouldn't let me leave the house without him , i couldn't get a job unless he approved of it first. and then when i finally tried to leave he abused me more then once you'd think i would have learned the first time it happened but no i had what was known as
Stockholm syndrome:
is a psychological response sometimes seen in abducted hostages, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger or risk in which they have been placed.i went back to him again and thankfully the last time i ever let him touch me. granted i have a nasty scar on my neck from where he tried to slit my throat.....
I left for Wyoming when nick was two ... i couldn't take anymore from anyone i moved in with family out there for a while when it was clear i could take care of myself and my son alone i finally moved back to Nebraska, stayed with my mom and Paul for a while helping them with my little sister. Then I met Russ and i we were just friends at first then after my scare with cervical cancer and i say scare because i survived it most don't. things got serious over a few months of us being friends then we started dating and then i got pregnant again with mark at this point in my life i didn't want to get married i wanted to be me and Russ promised me that would happen. i didn't get the wedding of my dreams instead i got what his parents wanted . I felt like i was going to a a funeral rather then my own wedding i even wore a black dress for the occasion.
i guess after the wedding and him getting what he really want me .. was out of the way the phasade was done for i got to see who he really was and i didn't like what i saw. He was a fucking Pott head a self absorbed single child syndrome asshole. Who turned and tried to strangle me, i don't know what it is about me that makes the men that are obsessed with me think that i need protecting from the world , keeping me in a fucking cage is not a bright idea it only back fires i learned that lesson after a year of being married to him when i got skin cancer . Ya you heard me i got it again this time in my hand . this was the time i woke up and said fuck making everyone around me happy and always doing what everyone wants me to do. I finally got rid of him earlier this year well not in that sense (some wish) but I am finally free some people just need to learn how to let go.
So NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE STORY OF ME do you think you will ruin my life or would i ruin yours ? here's a hint be who you are and i will be me that's all that fucking matters. I like you i care you know i do and just because you think that you are a plague that doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be happy in that aspect. If you want Me I'm here and you know it , just know i will never sugar coat things to make it easy. You finally get a chance to claim your prize after i fought tooth and nail and yes I'm still kinda fighting this is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. I told you i never give in without a fight and with all my bad luck and with people always getting hurt that get to close to me i give you fair warning (oh god i sound like you...... stop smiling at that.)
When you're attracted to someone, it just means that your subconscious is attracted to their subconscious, subconsciously. So what we think of as fate is just two neuroses knowing that they are a perfect match. Serendipity is always a way just when i found who i am meant to be in my life and I'm happy with who i am the one person i have avoided for so long seems to just keep pushing his way through. Need a clue ? well i was offered parts in several movies that i chose not to take oh say like one where you played one of my fave people in history.. for some reason when i try to ignore you i cant damn you *rolls eyes* i think there was a reason Well, if we're meant to meet again, we'll meet again. it's just not the right time now. those words kept playing in my head over and over again there was something about you that i was drawn to and I'm not sure what it was but my head wanted to run away from you with everything........... I wont say I Love you because I'm not stupid i don't know what that is right now all i know is what love isn't. All i can say to you now is you have earned a trust and a kindred spirit i believe in me that not many see. *be jealous * lol oh yeah i used your words. for some unknown reason i get you and you get me i think lol. I consider you the lost one who needs to know that he has family that loves him unconditionally and friends that are always there when he needs them. You are loved , you are cared about and not just by silly girls who try to throw them selves at you.
See i told you can ramble better then you but yours for some reason sounds better
I don't need protecting even though i have the feeling you have sent everyone you know into a frenzy to keep everyone from knowing about me *narrows eyes* the deleting of replies and the refusal to reply kinda gives me away here's a hint you want to hide something do it in plain sight. Sorry i dated someone who worked for the government i know how to be hidden unlike you that's why i rule and you are sooo not cool lol
